


Jack Harkness's Schooldays.

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-23
Updated: 2013-08-09
Packaged: 2017-10-31 15:21:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 37,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/345635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a multi part AU. It is crack. I haven't rated it because ratings vary for each chapter. It is mostly suitable for anyone though. Readers of my other crack stories will know what to expect here. This is Crack with a capitol C, set in a mythical world where everyone is slightly weird.  First two chapters are really scene setting.</p><p>Some Chapters have images.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rough House.

**Author's Note:**

> Jack's parents die and he goes to live with some eccentric relations. Then he is sent to School where he meets Ianto etc.

Jack Harkness, or to give him his full name John Harvey Harkness, was dramatically orphaned at the age of 8 when his Father, Lord John William Harkness of Boghaven, was drowned while trying to go over the Niagara Falls in a Barrel. His Mother jumped over the falls after her husband, screaming something about being unable to live without him. 

When the news finally arrived in Boghaven, discussions began immediately over what was to be done with Jack, who was now Lord John Harvey Harkness and in possession of a vast fortune as well as 2 country estates. Lord John William had three unmarried sisters and a brother, who all lived together in a large House on the outskirts of Boghaven City, so it was decided that Jack would live with them until he was old enough to go to Boghaven School, which, technically speaking, he now owned.

It was a bright sunny day in early May when Jack arrived at Rough House where his Uncle and Aunts lived. The large Oak door was opened to welcome him by his Aunt Alice, a small blond woman with a very large nose and piercing brown eyes. 

"No servants today, dear" she told him, as she ushered him inside "because it's Tuesday."

Jack couldn't see what the day had to do with the lack of servants, but he didn't say anything as he entered the House and found himself inside a huge Hallway decorated in a bright and rather alarming purple. At the end of the Hallway was a flight of stairs, and at the foot of the stairs stood a very tall female wearing a green dress and a red hat covered with Peacock feathers.

"That's your Uncle Bunny" said Aunt Alice "and I'm your Aunt Alice." As she spoke, two other people arrived in the Hall; a slim man in a dress suit and a very tiny woman smoking a pipe. "Ah" said Alice "this is your Aunt Matty and Aunt Henry."

Aunt Henry, not surprisingly, was the one in the suit. Jack was somewhat confused about what sex his relations were but he didn't like to ask, so he just shook hands with them all very politely, noticing as he did so that Uncle Bunny had long red fingernails and Aunt Matty had bad breath.

This was Jack's introduction to his closest relatives. His father had told him once that he had relatives but they were all mad. Coming from a man who collected models of spiders for fun this was actually a compliment. Uncle Bunny was really called Edward, but he had very large ears, which he hid expertly under a mass of hair. The story was that when he was born his Mother took one look at him and said "he looks just like Bunny", which was the name of a pet rabbit she once had. The name stuck. As a small child, Alice, who was closest in age to Bunny, had been terrified that a strong wind would catch his ears and blow him away. Bunny, taking this seriously as only a Harkness can, decided to try to fly and chose the roof of the Coal House as a starting point. He fell down like a stone and broke both legs which left him with a very attractive limp which he told everyone had been caused by being tortured by Pygmies somewhere in Africa.

Aunt Henry had decided very early in life that she was a man who had had the misfortune to be born with the wrong body. As a result of this conviction she became the first, and so far only, girl to ever go to Boghaven School where she was a great success and even became Captain of Bog House. Her Parents had sent here there because they thought it would scare her out of her boyish ways. It was a complete failure and Aunt Henry was the most popular person in the school before she had been there a month. Her ability to spit long distances and her magnificent copying talents, which meant she could copy any signature with ease, coupled with her knowledge of swear words made her everyones friend. She went on to Cambridge at a time when no women were admitted and got two first class degrees. Then she traveled all over the World and had a great time before retiring at the age of 30.

Aunt Matty had run off with the gamekeeper at the age of 14. He was 49 at the time. When he left her in Brighton for another woman she spent some time looking for him and when she found him she shot him in the head. He died two days later and Aunt Matty was arrested but was released when her Father arrived at the Jail shouting "let my daughter go--don't you know who she is?"

Aunt Alice was comparatively normal compared to her siblings but even she had a very irritating habit of almost constantly whistling. Jack soon got used to the habits of Uncle Bunny, who didn't want to be a woman but preferred their clothing, and Aunt Matty being always surrounded by smoke and Aunt Henry's various oddities, but he found the whistling very irritating.

Not long after his arrival at Rough House Aunt Alice found Jack doing what she called "fiddling". She told him quite seriously that if he continued to "fiddle" he would grow hair on the palms of his hands. Jack, being a Harkness through and through, was tremendously exited by the idea of having hairy palms and fiddled more often, studying his palms closely after each fiddle. He was very disappointed to find no hair growing there even if he fiddled with himself 20 times a day. All it did was make his hands ache and his cock turn red, which fact he confessed one day to Mary, one of the Maids, who promptly provided cream for the problem. Jack found the application of the cream a very pleasant experience and made sure that he needed the cream frequently and also made sure that Mary applied it, using the excuse that he couldn't do it as well as she could.

While he was at Rough House Jack was tutored by Aunt Henry. Aunt Henry was a superb teacher and even managed to make learning Latin and Greek exiting. It was expected that Jack would go to Boghaven School when he was 12 and it was made plain to everyone concerned that he would be treated just like all the other boys. 

Boghaven was built on the site of a massive bog which had been drained by Jack's Great Grandfather, who had spent long hours helping to dig out the muck of the bog himself because he liked to be covered in mud. Some people thought the name was funny, which the inhabitants of Boghaven found very insulting. Boghaven School took in boys of superior class {their own words} from all over the Country. To get in boys had to be very rich and be able to pass an exam. A great many of them failed the exam which they were then allowed to resit, and as a result some cheating went on. Jack did not need to pass the exam because he owned the whole estate as well as another estate in the North of the Country.

When Jack finally reached the great age of 12, on the 20th August in the year 18--, he was told he would go to Boghaven School in September of that year. Another Chapter of his life was about to begin.


	2. Boghaven School.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack is sent to School.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note the advert for Boghaven Cheese.

Jack arrived at Boghaven School at 4.30pm on a dim, wet September afternoon and was promptly told he would be sharing a Study with two other boys of his own age. Jack, who was used to being the center of attention and not sharing anything at all, was slightly disturbed by this news. He had been told, of course, several times, that he would be just like any other boy in the School, but being told something is not quite the same as actually experiencing it.

The two boys he was to share with were already in the Study when Jack arrived there, and, judging by the muddle in the room, had been there some time. The room was somewhat dark, having only one window, which, Jack soon discovered, would not open. The room contained a small table, covered with a yellow and slightly worn looking tablecloth, at which were placed three hard wooden chairs. There were pegs for hats and two bookcases with shelves at the bottom which already seemed, to Jack, to be bursting with all manner of rubbish. Apart from this there was a Gas Bracket and a small red sofa, which would seat three if they were very friendly.

One of the boys was sprawled on the floor pulling things out of a large leather Trunk. He had brown hair cut very short and was what Jack's family would have called "weedy", which just meant he was thin and not very athletic looking. The other boy was sturdier and greeted Jack with a wide smile saying "I'm Ianto Jones and that's Owen Harper. We've been expecting you all day."

Jack sighed and sat down on the sofa, making no attempt to unpack his own Trunk which now blocked access to one of the bookcases. "I'm Lord John Harvey Harkness" he said "and I own this place."

"My Father owns the Belle Treat Chocolate Factories" said Ianto, quite calmly "and I have heaps of chocolate in my Trunk."

Jack's attitude changed magically at these words. "Does your Father make those delicious sweets with the pink runny stuff inside?" he asked.

"Yes" Ianto replied "do you want some?"

Jack, of course, did want some, and was told emphatically that he would get some if he unpacked his Trunk, which explained Owen's eagerness to unpack his own Trunk. The sweets in question would be shared out once Owen and Jack had unpacked Ianto's Trunk as well as their own. Jack may have been a Lord, but his Aunts and Uncle were very fussy about what he ate and chocolates were off the menu.

After around a half hour Jack found himself on his knees beside Owen Harper unpacking Ianto's Trunk. "What does your Father do?" he asked, as they threw things in all directions.

"He's an Explorer" said Owen "he discovered the Pettigue Diamond and as a reward Queen Catherine made him a Knight."

"I'd like to be an explorer" said Jack "I'd like to discover something."

At that moment a loud ringing sound was heard. It was very loud indeed and was followed immediately by the sound of running feet.

"What's that?" Jack asked, as both Ianto and Owen made for the door.

"Supper" said Ianto "hurry or we wont get in."

Supper was early because of the new boys. Ianto, Owen and Jack followed the masses of boys out into a corridor and down three flights of stairs. Bog House was the biggest House in Boghaven School and had around 100 boys. Getting them all into one room was quite difficult and anyone who arrived late by even a minute was liable to find themselves on the end of a bench and in danger of falling onto the floor at any moment.

Once in the Hall, where supper was served, certain proprieties had to be observed. The Captain of the House and the Prefects sat at a table at the head of the Hall on a raised platform. Monitors sat on the ends of each table to keep order and everyone else fitted in where they could. The younger boys were housed furthest away from the Hall, so they always arrived last.

Ianto, Owen and Jack ended up squashed together in the middle of one of the lowest tables. This meant, unfortunately, that they would be served last. Their Table Monitor was a very large 15 year old named Kirkcaldy Fife. The Fife family had made a fortune from claiming that the natural spring on their property had healing powers. This degree of cunning did not extend though to being familiar with such things as gavels, which all Monitors were required to possess. The rule was that if anyone talked while eating, the Table Monitor would stand up and bang his gavel upon the table three times. Kirkcaldy, being unfamiliar with gavels, had arrived at the School with a hammer instead. In any normal establishment it would have been expected that someone would have informed Kirkcaldy that he needed a gavel and not a large hammer. However, no-one did, so Kirkcaldy banged the table with his hammer. Thus, as well as the usual engraved graffiti such as TSR L JMB and somewhat mysteriously HRM B HRM, Kirkcaldy's table was covered with dents.

The food consisted of bread, cheese and beer. {Boghaven was famous for its fine cheese}. The beer was beer only in name as it had hardly any alcoholic content. They were all required to bring a knife, fork and a spoon to school with them as the school did not provide eating utensils. Jack hadn't brought his knife down to supper with him because no-one had told him he needed it. Ianto very kindly let him use his.

Since the rule was that meals were eaten in silence, it was very quiet in the Hall for at least 5 minutes. Then the Captain of the House, who had red hair and whose Father was the Prime Minister of the Land, stood up. He had a sheet of paper in his hand and read out a list of names from it. Jack was shocked to hear his own name read out. Ianto and Owen, who, unlike Jack, had dutifully read the booklet that arrived with confirmation of their admittance to the school, knew exactly what this was about.

A total of some 20 boys were finally assembled in the space in front of the raised platform where they were informed they were each to do a "Party Piece." The gathered masses at the tables had been provided with a soft chocolate colored pudding which they were not allowed to eat. It was for throwing at new boys who did not perform well.

Since this was Boghaven, it was inevitable that some boys idea of what constituted a "Party Piece" was a bit strange. Several boys attempted to sing, which in every case was a big mistake. Two boys tried to do magic tricks and the less said about them the better. Owen recited a poem, which he said had been written by his Uncle. It was called "The wreck of the Hinto Pinto" and was about a boat which sank, drowning everyone on board. It was very long and sad and naturally every boy in the Hall thought it was funny and Owen escaped without a single bit of pudding marring his person.

One very fat boy announced in a loud voice that he could play a tune with his bottom. There was total silence for a moment as the full impact of what this meant sank in. Then, as the boy pulled down his trousers, the Hall erupted in a mixture of jeers of derision and shouts of praise. The boy soon proved his worth by playing "Hearts of Oak" using only farting. It was easily the success of the night and when he finished he was given a very rare standing ovation.

Poor Ianto and Jack had to follow this and somehow Ianto reciting "I wondered over the Hills and saw a wondrous sight" while Jack attempted to do a tap dance was a great anti-climax. Both of them had to retire covered in pudding. The last boy to perform was very short and had no hair. As he stood up he tried to explain that he had had a fever and all his hair had fallen out as a result. He told everyone he had performing fleas in his pocket. Since he kept scratching no-one doubted this for a moment.

The performing fleas were, the boy said, in a container. He delved into one of his pockets and produced a small metal box, which he prised open with evident difficulty. When he finally got the box open he shouted in a loud anguished voice "Oh HELL, they've escaped again." At this point most of the older boys and the younger ones with sense realized that the fleas were, in fact, imaginary. Unfortunately, as a result of mass cheating in the entrance exam, many of the boys had no sense at all. They really believed the Hall was full of escaped fleas.

The chaos that ensued, as large numbers of boys, some covered in chocolate pudding, searched for fleas, was quite the most exiting thing that had happened in Bog House since George Peabody Major had been kidnapped by Pirates while laying a trail for Hare and Hounds. The noise was so terrific that three of the Masters, who theoretically had no permission to ever infiltrate the boys meal times, arrived to see what was happening.

"What's-----" shouted Mr. Hapgood, who taught Mathematics. That was as far as he got because at that moment half a chocolate pudding hit him on the head. Mr Green, who taught Latin, retired quickly before he was injured by flying puddings. Mr. Green was famous in Bog House because once he had put his hand down a boys trousers crying out "hmm, what have we here then" and to everyone's surprise pulled out a small white mouse. Mr Sato, who despite his name and oriental appearance had been raised somewhere far "up North", arrived last and put his head around the door, wisely withdrawing it almost immediately. Mr Sato was in charge of what, at Boghaven, was known as Physical fitness. He was also a minor inventor. He had invented various, mostly useless, gadgets including a women's hairnet that was self heating, which, during its trial run, had singed a number of unsuspecting maidservants heads. He had a very charming wife and daughter, who, rather confusingly, were both called Toshiko. Half the boys in the School were in love, or professed to be in love, with Toshiko, who was 11 years old and was engaged in attempting to invent some weird device she called a Personal Computer.

How long the state of chaos may have gone on was the talk of Bog House for days, but it was all ruined when one small new boy by the name of Harold Gabriel Minor, fell off a table and sprained his ankle. The Captain of the House, Wallace Wallace, stood up and appealed for calm, and was very angry when he was hit by a pudding. Eventually however, the loud screams of the injured boy, who thought he was dying, resulted in a gradual cessation of merriment. Matron Cooper, who was in charge of the sick bay, arrived to administer first aid, followed by her daughter Gwen, who lived in the school with her Mother.

Gwen was 10 years old and was a small version of her Mother, which was somewhat unfortunate as her Mother weighed at least 4 times as much as any Matron ought to have done. She also had protruding teeth with a large gap between the front two. Apart from this, Matron Cooper was very pleasant indeed and loved all the boys in Bog House, especially if they were sick. There was an unwritten law in Boghaven that all females on the premises had to be plain or downright ugly. Boys were impressionable and it would never do if any of them became too fond of Matron, or Cook, or any other female around the place.

Anyhow, Harold Gabriel Minor was removed to the sick bay where he was administered to by Matron Cooper and bored to death by Gwen reading aloud to him. This would have been just about bearable if she had not been burdened with at least two major speech defects and an idea that she was indispensable to the sick.

Ianto, Owen and Jack went up the numerous stairs to their Dormitory. The Water Closets for the Dormitory were in the next room and there was a rush to go there before bed. Boghaven School considered itself to be very modern with proper Water Closets which actually flushed {very noisily} and even some Electric lighting in the Headmasters House. Then the 12 boys that had to sleep in the Dormitory went to wash and get undressed and into bed. Each bed had its own Washstand with a bowl and jug and a towel. Ianto immediately stripped off his clothing and bathed in the cold water, shuddering as he did so. Jack copied him, feeling quite embarrassed, a feeling that was new to him. Finally, they got into their nightshirts and climbed into bed. Jack had just got into his and was finding it rather hard, when a tall figure appeared in the doorway and a voice shouted "everyone in----lights out then" and the room was immediately plunged into darkness.

Jack lay awake in the blackness wondering if School was always like today, with shouting and food throwing and bathing in cold water. His Uncle Bunny had gone to Boghaven and had, the stories said, distinguished himself while there by climbing the outside of Boghaven Church while wearing a crinoline. His Father had gone there too and had saved three Fishermen from drowning by throwing them a rope and pulling them into shore, for which action he was given a Medal by the Mayor of Boghaven City. He had thrown a plank of wood at them first, but it had hit the fourth Fisherman on the head and he had unfortunately sunk rapidly beneath the waves, leaving nothing but a trail of blood behind. Of course, Aunt Henry had been the greatest success at Boghaven and Jack was determined to follow her example.

"I'm going to be Captain of the School one day" he thought optimistically, and he fell asleep with both hands firmly up inside his nightshirt and dreamt he had hairy palms.

 

 

 


	3. Bog Tennis.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack is introduced to the fine art of Bog Tennis, which is played in a bog without rackets. He also gets to climb along a beam naked.

Jack lay awake for a while thinking about Ianto's Chocolates, which they had never had time to actually eat. Eventually he had to get up to visit a water closet. He had just got back into the Dormitory when the House Bell rang and the other boys started to get out of bed, pushing each other and complaining about the food, the beds, and a variety of other things.

Jack washed hurriedly in the cold water remaining in his washbowl and quickly got dressed. He was just fastening his jacket when the Bell rang yet again and the Dormitory Monitor, who had his own tiny room at the end of the Dormitory, shouted from the doorway "Come on you Sprogs----you have a nice run to do before breakfast."

This was, unfortunately, only too true. Every boy under the age of 14 from all 4 Houses of Boghaven School was required to run 3 miles across country every morning {except Sunday} before breakfast. The local population was quite used to seeing crowds of moaning boys running over hills and dales each day and sometimes gathered in small groups to cheer them on.

When the run was over, all the boys were allowed to have their breakfast, which was always porridge. In the week and on Saturday the porridge was plain porridge but on Sunday they were allowed to pour milk over it. The quality of the porridge varied from day to day and this particular day it was thick and stodgy and an odd grey color. Some very brave boys ate all their porridge. Some ate part of their porridge, and some ate none at all. Two boys sitting near Ianto, Jack and Owen piled their porridge upon the table and made a Castle out of it, complete with Turrets and a drawbridge. Jack ate all his porridge, as being raised a Harkness made a boy tough. Owen and Ianto ate some of theirs and gave the rest to the Castle builders.

As Jack ate his porridge he noticed a few things around the Hall that he had been too busy being new to notice the day before. Several of the tiles on the floor had writing on them. Not graffiti, but properly inscribed words. Jack actually had his boots resting on one such tile and when he looked down and read what was written on it he was very happy and excited, for it read ----The Hon. Henry Harkness spat here---.

Unbeknown to Jack, for his Aunt did not talk very much about her schooldays, Aunt Henry was the only Boghaven School pupil to win the Thistledown Spitting Trophy. She had been part of the Boghaven Cross Country Relay Team, which, every year, battled Thistledown for the coveted Arnold Roper Cross Country Relay Cup. That particular year it had been Boghaven's turn to travel to Thistledown, and, while waiting for the relay to start, Aunt Henry had entered, by mistake it seemed, the Spitting competition and had won.

The prevalence of spitting in the country was all the fault of Queen Bruce 15th, the present Queen's Great Great Grandmother. The story was that she was very angry about some document or other she was required to sign and, in a temper, shouted at her personal private Secretary "I spit on this document". Unfortunately she had very bad eyesight and succeeded in missing the document completely. Her spit hit the PPS on the left knee and he was so impressed with how far it had traveled that he told everyone, everywhere he went. Hence the memorial to Queen Bruce 15th read "Queen Bruce 15th lieth here. She spat well."

Also on the wall was a large notice that read "NO SPITTING ANYWHERE BUT THE FLOOR." Someone had added the word "on" between the but and the the and someone else had crossed it out again, but Jack thought it still sounded wrong. Another sign read "NO SCRATCHING WHILE EATING." Jack's favorite was the one that read "SILENCE WHEN YOUR MOUTH IS FULL IS A SIGN OF GOOD BREEDING." Someone had crossed out the word SILENCE and replaced it with the word FARTING.

After breakfast lessons began. Jack, Owen and Ianto started the day with Latin. Jack shone at this because he had been tutored expertly by Aunt Henry. Ianto was just as knowledgeable as Jack but Owen was useless. Learning Latin, he complained, was boring and pointless.

After Latin came Mathematics, with Mr Hapgood. Mr Hapgood started the lesson by making all the boys measure each other. They then had to plot the results on a chart. Mr Hapgood had novel and revolutionary ideas about Mathematics. He thought learning Math should be fun and relevant to real life. The other Mathematics Tutors did not agree with him but so far they had been unable to get him dismissed because he was blackmailing the Headmaster over some sexual scandal connected with Matron Cooper, of all people. Of course, the other Math tutors did not know about this and Mr Hapgood's continual presence irritated them a great deal.

Lunch followed and consisted of potatoes, which were like pebbles and just as hard, and some kind of unrecognizable meat which needed to be chewed for a long time before it could be digested. After that the boys were served Spotted Dick and Jack was disappointed that his portion had hardly any spots in it. It was all dick.

After Lunch they were sent outside and told they were all to learn how to play Boghaven School's native game, Bog Tennis. Unlike most games of Tennis, Bog Tennis was not played with a racket. It was though, played in a bog. Since the bogs in Boghaven had all been drained many years ago the School had made its own bog which was situated on the very outskirts of the School grounds. Every now and then it became too dry and numerous boys were then sent to made it boggy again. How they achieved this is something that would take too long to explain.

All the new boys in the School assembled beside the bog in readiness to learn the magnificent game of Bog Tennis. They were required to wear what Boghaven called games knickers for this activity, and in case no-one knew what games knickers were, all new boys were sent a picture of a pair before they arrived at the school. In the middle of the bog was a Well and the new boys, some 67 in number, gazed over at it wondering why it was there. Mr Sato, who was in charge of physical fitness, launched into a detailed description of the game helped by his two assistants, Mr Bird and Mr Brown.

"This game is very important to Boghaven School and we have won Trophies for our talents in play" Mr Sato shouted at the boys, who were shivering in their games knickers in front of him "the aim of the game is to capture the well from the opposing forces who are guarding it. One team guard the well and the other team try to capture it. There is no ball involved and hardly any rules for you to learn except that kicking a member of the opposing team in the groin is absolutely forbidden. I am going to divide you up into two teams and then you can start when I blow the whistle."

After the teams had been formed and the well guarding team had struggled through the bog to the well, Mr Sato blew his whistle. Ianto and Jack were in the team attacking the well and Owen was in the team guarding it. Due to a surfeit of rain over the past few weeks the bog was very boggy indeed and it took the well guarding team nearly an hour to reach the well, and even then three boys didn't make it and retired hurt, which merely meant they were exhausted and too covered in bog to go any further. As the three boys started to make their way back out of the bog, the well attacking team rushed toward them. The word rushed is used here in its spiritual sense as in reality hardly anyone moved at all.

Mr Sato and his assistants stood well away {well away, get it?} from the bog and watched the boys playing Bog Tennis. It made Mr Sato's heart swell with pride to see how they struggled through the mud and fell over and continually got up again even if they were covered in bog from head to foot. After around 2 hours the boys actually met up with each other by the well. This was the real start of the game.

64 boys struggled with each other by the well. Since they were all equally covered in bog it was nearly impossible for them to tell who was who and so there were frequent pauses in the struggle as some boy or other asked a boy near him who he was. Ianto and Jack started to push each other and fell down in the mud together. Jack thought it was all very exciting but then he was the Great Grandson of one of the original bog clearer's and Ianto as a small child had fallen in an huge vat of chocolate, so he didn't find it terribly objectionable either, although he had to admit later that the chocolate had tasted better. Owen disappeared at one point and was pulled out from under the mud by another boy who pushed him back under again when he found he was from the opposing team.

A single game of Bog Tennis had been known to last as long as 24 hours, so Mr Sato and his assistants went off to have some tea when the skies started to grow dark. It was just after this that Gwen Cooper and Toshiko Sato appeared in view, playing chase with each other. When Toshiko, or Tosh for short, reached the edge of the Bog she stopped running, being a sensible child, but Gwen ran on into the Bog and with startling and amazing lightness of foot reached the well, vaulting expertly over a number of boys in the process. She climbed onto the edge of the well and stood there, balanced precariously, shouting: "I'm the King of the Cathtle and youw all diwty rathcels." Then she overbalanced and fell straight down the well. It was a deep well and after some 20 seconds of silence there was a huge splash as Gwen hit the water.

"Oh dear" said a boy, who was sitting on the edge of the well and might have been able to grab Gwen before she fell in but didn't even try "now we'll have to stop playing."

"Let's just go on" said another boy, quite calmly "she might climb out."

Since nobody thought this idea was unreasonable, the struggle in the bog restarted and might have gone on indefinitely, except a voice from far away called out "get me out of hewe you bloody bathtawdth!!"

One boy, very sensibly, said he would fetch Mr Sato, and he attempted to run out of the bog in order to do so but couldn't manage it and sank in the mud and wasn't seen again until the following Tuesday when he appeared, as if by magic, by the School main Gates. {Much later he confessed that he had lain low in the mud until everyone went back to School and had then gone into Town and spent a number of happy days in the local brewery.}

It seemed to everyone that the game was over and most of the boys were quite irritated with Gwen for spoiling their fun. Many of them wouldn't have minded if she stayed down the well for ever, but before anyone could give voice to this savage idea Mr Sato reappeared to see how the game was progressing, having been encouraged to do so by Tosh, who had seen Gwen's fall and was upset. Mr Sato sent the boys back to School and, having been prepared for the emergency by Tosh, tied a very long rope to the well head and proceeded to rescue Gwen.

By this time it was dark and the boys struggled, grumbling, out of the bog and went back to School where they were sent to wash off the mud before prep, supper and bed. There were only two baths in Boghaven School but luckily both were huge and held at least 30 boys each. Unfortunately there was never enough soap and Boghaven bog mud was very hard to get out of bodily crevices even if your friends helped you, so many of the boys were obliged to do their prep smelling of bog.

Jack, Ianto and Owen were struggling with some particularly obscure Greek for the next days Greek lesson when a voice from out in the corridor yelled "Fag, Fag, come here you little-----".

"I'm not going" said Jack, firmly "I'm a Lord. I'm not fagging for anyone."

"Everyone has to" said Owen "it said so in the Booklet we all got. We all have to fag for a year."

"I'll go" Ianto muttered, abandoning his Prep with a sigh of relief. He got up and went out into the corridor. At the end of the passage, by the stairs, stood a very tall boy whom Ianto recognized, from supper the previous day, as one of the Prefects.

"Toast, you evil little Sprog" said the Prefect "and I want it golden brown and before you ask, you call me Higginbottom, and if you ever laugh about that I shall probably kill you, or at least make your life very miserable indeed. Follow me---NOW."

Ianto followed Higginbottom as fast as he could while Owen and Jack continued to struggle with their Greek. They didn't struggle for long before the cry of "Fag" arose again and this time Owen went. Jack was alone only for a moment before the door of the study was flung open and Wallace Wallace himself stood there.

"Saw you attempting to tap dance yesterday" Wallace said, leaning in the doorway, looking very red and splendid "and I thought to myself--I'm having that boy as my own personal fag."

"I don't think I want to" Jack murmured, after a moment of stunned surprise.

"You haven't any choice" Wallace snapped "you should be delighted that you'll be fagging for me--most boys would give their right arm for the chance."

"What do you want me to do then?" asked Jack, standing up rather reluctantly.

"You come when you hear me call fag" Wallace said "and then you do whatever I tell you. Weren't you at School before?"

"My Aunt taught me at home" Jack explained and immediately had a feeling of great sadness that Aunt Henry would never be teaching him again. Watching her enacting a scene from Caesar's Gaelic Wars dressed in part of an old curtain had been such fun, especially when Aunt Matty had come in and had inadvertently set fire to the curtain.

"I'm being very thoughtful and reasonable today because you're so ignorant" said Wallace "tomorrow will be different and---" his words were cut off by the ringing of the bell for Supper, which was a relief to Jack, who didn't appreciate at all how rare it was for a person like Wallace to come to a new boys study and talk to him as if he were human.

Supper was exactly the same as the previous evening except, instead of the new boys performing, everyone sang. Boghaven was not noted for the quality of its music and the singing was what might be quite accurately called dire. Boys were supposed to know the words of whatever Wallace, who was in charge, decided to sing. Wallace couldn't sing and sounded like a frog being slowly strangled when he tried. The rest of the Prefects weren't much better. The noise of the singing was terrificly loud and the boys were encouraged to thump their Beer mugs upon the tables at periodic intervals.

Jack knew all about the singing because his Uncle Bunny had been a boy Soprano and had later turned into a fine Tenor. He had been encouraged to sing solos and had been painted, while singing "The boy in the Gallery", dressed in a long white gown and pink slippers. The picture had won a prize at an exhibition in Boghaven City Town Hall. Jack had inherited Bunny's voice, although luckily not his taste in clothing, but the noise in the Hall was so deafening that no-one noticed they had an actual singer in their midst.

At the end of the singing the rule was that someone had to climb up on the Top Table and from there jump and hang on one of the ceiling beams and crawl across the beam. The beams were actually about 30 inches lower than the ceiling itself, which was very high indeed. This had to be accomplished while naked and while any remaining food was thrown at you. The task was quite difficult, but Aunt Henry herself had managed it and, unbelievably, so had Jack's Father and his Uncle Bunny, who had refused to do it naked and had eventually been allowed to climb across wearing a bright red feather boa.

Wallace stood up and appealed for calm as everyone shouted "BEAM--BEAM-" at him. Wallace had to choose who would attempt the beam each evening. The previous night there had been no beam climb because of the "Party pieces." Once the Hall was fairly quiet, Wallace pointed straight at Jack. He did not say a word. The gesture was enough.

Jack knew what was expected of him because Aunt Henry had told him of her success one night when she had come home from a Party in an unusually cheerful state of mind. He stood up and removed his clothing, wondering what would happen to his body after he died. He rather fancied being buried at sea. With this thought in mind he stood on the top table and launched himself at the beam. He successfully grabbed hold of it at first try and struggled up onto the beam on all fours. He then began to inch his way across, carefully avoiding looking down and trying to avoid rubbing the more sensitive parts of his anatomy on the beam. Here being a Harkness proved to be extremely useful because Aunt Henry had made him climb up the walls of Rough House more than once, using only the Ivy for support, and dressed in nothing but his underwear.

Jack slowly moved along the beam, being hit by cheese and bread, some of it partially digested, as he went. He was not particularly frightened, but he kept thinking of what would happen to his body when he fell off the beam. He hoped it wouldn't be too messed up. He was so busy thinking about falling off that he made it to the end and banged his head on the wall before he noticed there was no more beam to crawl along. A ladder was kept at the end of the Hall and this was fetched so Jack could climb down. He was cheered all the time he was climbing. Once on the floor Wallace himself handed Jack his clothing and everyone gave him more cheers. It was quite an anti-climax to then have to go to bed.

The following morning Jack received a Telegram saying that his Uncle Bunny and Aunt Henry would be coming for a visit that very day to see if he was settling in. Jack wondered idly what they would be wearing for the visit. Uncle Bunny had some lovely dresses and Aunt Henry owned some very expensive suits. He wondered why Aunt Alice and Aunt Matty weren't coming, but they had never been to School except the single day Aunt Matty had spent at an expensive girls School during which she managed to set fire to the Main Building. He waited impatiently for their arrival.  
*******************************************************************************

Here follows an extract from "The World encyclopedia of Unusual Games" written by George Clodbody and Martin Lederhosen.

 

A very unusual game indeed is played only in Boghaven School, in the area of the Country known locally as "The Bogs" although there are no bogs around nowadays. This is Bog Tennis, which evidently started as a proper game of Tennis except it was played in a bog instead of on a Tennis Court. Problems arose right away in that the ball kept being lost in the bog and having to be replaced and everyone complained it was really boring to watch. The ball was abandoned and the game mutated into a battle, where two teams went into the bog and attacked each other with their Tennis rackets. This resulted in many injuries and a great many cases of Tennis Elbow, so the rackets were abandoned next.

It was felt that some sort of goal should be encouraged as at that point the game consisted of two teams trying to kill each other in a bog, which was very uninteresting to watch although great fun to play. Over the other side of the school was an old well, so a new, artificial, bog was made around the well and the rules were changed so that one team defended the well and the other team tried to take it from them. Games often take many hours to play but the game can be played in complete darkness which is a bonus, as spectators can leave for the night and come back the next day and find they haven't missed any action.

In summary, Bog Tennis is very enjoyable to watch and mostly quite safe to play {there have been a few cases of suffocating in the mud but only a very few}.

                                                                                                     ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Spitting and settling in.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack eats Chicken Tossing Stew, endures Sir Adrian Shoecutter's "The perils of Self Abuse" lecture, learns the correct way to spit, and has a visit from his Uncle and Aunt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More weirdness from me. The songs Jack sings are real Victorian songs, by the way.  
> Note the image from the lecture.

Jack received his telegram, announcing the visit of his Aunt Henry and Uncle Bunny, just after the morning run, which took place in pouring rain. Every boy on the run was soaking wet and they all had to go to their dormitories and wash and change before breakfast. Most of them needed to bathe thoroughly but that was not an option so many of them went to breakfast slightly smelly, which was putting it politely.

Breakfast was porridge as usual, except this particular morning it was so runny it could be drunk straight from the bowl without difficulty. After this, Jack, Ianto and Owen had Greek followed by History. History was a very short lesson indeed as Professor Pilkington simply gave each boy a sheet of paper, listing all the Queens of the land {which they were required to memorize}, and then left the room and didn't return.

After a short while the boys realized that they had been abandoned and left the schoolroom to pursue other interests. Jack, Ianto and Owen found a spirited game of Bog Football to watch, which was taking place on what was used in the summer to play Bog Cricket. These games, unlike Bog Tennis, were not played on a bog, but due to the rain the field was very boggy indeed, and at one point the football disappeared completely in the mud and had to be dug out.

Lunch followed this excitement and consisted of Chicken Tossing Stew. This was a dish that was eaten all over the Country and, periodically, resulted in a shortage of Chickens. Chicken Tossing was a game played by everyone from Peasants to Royalty. The Chickens used for the game had to have died of natural causes which often puzzled the lower classes a great deal. Queen Catherine herself had been asked, more than once, when on Royal visits to various places, about what "natural causes" actually meant. One Peasant Farmer had said to her, on a particularly memorable occasion, that if he rung a Chicken's neck was that "natural causes'' and was disappointed to be told it wasn't.

The rules stated that you had to have one Chicken for every ten people playing the game, although some cheating went on, and often as many as sixteen people per Chicken had been observed in very rural areas. The lead player, "the tosser", stood in the middle of a circle made up of the other nine players, and tossed the Chicken straight up in the air. The aim of the game was to keep the Chicken in the air as long as possible. If the Chicken fell to the ground, as it often did, "the tosser" was the only player who could pick it up again and restart play. The game could end anytime but usually finished when the Chicken fell to pieces, covered in dirt and muck of every description. It was then used to make Chicken Tossing Stew.

After the Chicken Tossing Stew the boys were served dumplings covered in treacle, which sounded quite pleasant but wasn't. The dumplings were hard and the treacle was very hot indeed. Ianto, Jack and Owen were once again at Kirkcaldy Fife's table, which was very lucky for everyone as he allowed each boy to use his hammer to break up their dumplings. A boy sitting opposite Jack found a button in one of his dumplings but no-one else found anything interesting at all.

After Lunch all the new boys were sent to the Main School Hall to listen to Sir Adrian Shoecutter give his annual "The perils of Self Abuse" lecture. This lecture was illustrated by pictures, which were held up when needed by two of the Kitchen Staff. Sir Adrian Shoecutter was deaf and used an ear Trumpet, so, when he turned to look at the pictures, the boys found they could quite freely converse without being reprimanded.

Out of the 67 new boys that year, some had never actually tried any self abuse and only three of them had reached puberty. Thus, when Sir Adrian had shown the boys several pictures of what they would look like after a year or two of self abuse and got around to talking about what he called "nocturnal pollutions", most of them had no idea what he was talking about. He showed them several pictures of devices, which, he informed them seriously, prevented "nocturnal pollutions". It was when the third picture was held up that the boys suddenly had an idea of what he was talking about.

Jack was disappointed that Sir Adrian didn't mention hairy palms. When Sir Adrian's back was turned he whispered to Ianto "this is all wrong, you know, all it does it give you hairy palms and you have to do it hundreds and hundreds of times to get them." Ianto digested this unexpected piece of information in silence for a moment and then he confessed that it probably didn't give you hairy palms if you rubbed it on your bedclothes, which evidently, was what he did quite often. Jack said he would try that some time but he really loved the idea of hairy palms so he would continue to use his hands for the time being.

Sir Adrian finished his lecture by going on and on about not wasting seeds. This caused some confusion because most of the boys had not realized that this was a lecture about plants. The fact that Sir Adrian didn't say what sort of seeds bothered some boys too, especially those whose parents had thoughtfully made them plant things like tomatoes and cucumbers in order for them to appreciate the natural world. When Sir Adrian finally finished speaking there was a massive sigh of relief from his audience, and, as he left the Hall Stage, they applauded quietly and dutifully, encouraged by two of the Masters seated on either side of the Stage {in a position where they couldn't see most of the boys}, who theoretically were to make sure there was no disorder.

After the lecture, Jack, Ianto and Owen had what was called at Boghaven "Spitting practice." This took place in the Quadrangle of Bog House. The Headmaster of Boghaven School had decided that the School was lacking in great spitters due to lack of practice. It was all very well knowing Greek and Latin and all those boring things but none of them would be any use at all if a boy decided to go into Politics, for example, or the Army, where spitting was very useful and even encouraged. The Army had their own Spitting Trophy and the Headmaster knew for a fact that no Boghaven boy had ever won it.

Spitting, of course, like everything else, had to be done properly. It was, Mr Sato, told the boys, very tempting to just spit anywhere but that was not permitted. Drinking vast quantities of water or beer before you spat was not permitted either. Your spit had to be natural spit. Mr Sato stood in front of the boys and demonstrated the correct method of gathering spit in your mouth and then expelling it in a permitted place. The Quadrangle was a permitted place, so, after watching Mr Sato's spittle travel some 10 feet away from his body, the boys were encouraged to spit for themselves.

It was while this was going on that the Headmaster arrived with Jack's Aunt Henry and Uncle Bunny. Aunt Henry looked very smart in her Frock coat and red cravat and Uncle Bunny was positively glowing in a turquoise dress and hat with feather. Aunt Henry was delighted to discover her nephew spitting instead of doing something time wasting like learning Latin. She proceeded to demonstrate the phenomenal spitting abilities that had won her such praise in the past. Her talent had evidently never left her as she managed to spit a distance of 22 feet with ease. She then told the boys that having good facial muscles and mouth control were essential in a good spitter. The boys listened in awe and were soon spitting harder than any of them had ever spat before.

After this, Jack and his Uncle and Aunt had tea with the Headmaster and his wife. They were served cucumber sandwiches and then cakes filled with fresh cream straight from Boghaven Farm. Jack sat on a sofa between his Uncle and Aunt and told them all about his Dormitory and his Study and Ianto and Owen. After tea the Headmaster brought out his Phonograph, which was one of only two in the entire Country, the other being owned by Queen Catherine herself. The Headmaster owned three cylinders, all of Band Music. He said he didn't play them much because the cylinders were delicate but, as a special treat, he played something called "The Spanish waltz."

After all this excitement Jack had to say goodbye to his Uncle and Aunt and go and do his Prep. He was sad to see Uncle Bunny and Aunt Henry leave, and almost shed some tears. Aunt Henry was particularly against crying as she said it wasted energy that could be used for something more useful, so he didn't cry but just bit his lip hard and tried to look brave.

Jack had only been in his Study for a moment or two when Wallace Wallace shouted "Fag" and he had to go and brush and tidy Wallace's own study, the floor of which was covered in pieces of broken glass. Two prefects were lying unconscious on the floor in amongst the glass which made sweeping difficult, but Jack managed to tidy around them. He later discovered that Wallace and his two closest friends had been having a game in which they hit each other over the head with wine glasses. Wallace had won.

During Supper, which was, as usual, bread, cheese and beer, one of the prefects on the top table suddenly collapsed in an heap and slid indecorously off the raised platform onto the floor below. Jack recognized him as one of the prefects that he had seen earlier on the floor of Wallace's Study. Matron Cooper was duly sent for and soon arrived with her daughter, Gwen, in tow. Matron Cooper examined the prefect on the floor and announced that he was unconscious and needed to be carried to sick bay. Gwen insisted on helping in this operation and got in everyone's way spectacularly well. After the prefect had been put to bed in sick bay Gwen wandered off and ended up in the kitchen of Bog house. Her Mother thought she was with Tosh and didn't look for her. This proved later to be somewhat unfortunate, as the search for her did not begin until the following evening.

Jack, Ianto and Owen went to their Study after Supper and Owen produced a pack of playing cards and suggested playing a game he had played at his former school. It was, he told Jack and Ianto, called strip poker, and whenever you lost a hand you had to remove a garment. The Study was not heated and it had not been a warm day, so this idea did not meet with any enthusiasm. Ianto said they should each tell a ghost story and proceeded to tell a grisly tale about an headless factory worker walking the main Belle Treat Chocolate factory at night. He carried, Ianto told Owen and Jack, his head under his arm and the face wore an eerie smile.

As Ianto spoke the Gas light grew dimmer and dimmer and then went out completely, leaving the three boys in almost total darkness. Ianto sat on the floor and made whooing noises, while Owen and Jack tried to get the light relit. Owen was more than a little irritated when they got it going again because Ianto had been no help at all. After that bit of bother it was Owen's turn to tell a story and he simply told Ianto and Jack that he had once spent a long train journey talking to a man wearing a Top Hat. As the train reached its destination, which was the end of the line, Owen said he had looked out of the window for only a moment and when he turned back the man had gone. The train had no corridor and they were just pulling into the station so he couldn't have gone anywhere. Jack said he didn't know any ghost stories, unless the Tale of Boghaven's Goat counted.

Jack had been told this tale as a bedtime story by his Aunt Matty. She often told him stories when he was trying to go to sleep and they were all weird. This particular story concerned a poor family who lived in the Wilds of Boghaven Woods. The family had nothing to eat and were starving when they found a stray goat right outside their door. They ate it all and threw the bones on the Midden. The next morning there was a strange furry thing sticking out of the top of the Midden and over the next few days it grew bigger and bigger until it was recognizable as a goat. One day they looked at the Midden and the goat had gone. Some time later a poacher was in the woods and he came across an abandoned house. Just outside the house stood a large goat. There was no sign of any humans so the poacher took the goat home, ate it and threw the bones on his Midden.

Jack did not explain that this story and a number of others had given him nightmares. He merely laughed and said it was rubbish really. He also did not mention that his Aunt Henry had made him climb up the side of Rough House wearing nothing but his nightshirt because she said it would make him tough. Being able to climb was very useful she kept telling him and the following afternoon, when all the new boys were made to run barefooted to Boghaven Hills, a distance of some 5 miles, he realized that she had, after all, been correct.

Boghaven Hills were on the very edge of Boghaven where it adjoined Thistledown. In the last Century there had been a war over the hills which Boghaven had won by digging an huge pit and covering it with large tree branches. The Army had then stood on the Boghaven side of the pit and jumped up and down shouting such intelligent things as "you can't get me". The Thistledown Army, who were not much good at anything but spitting, rushed toward their foes and fell straight into the pit. This momentous occasion was commemorated by a Monument which featured a triumphant Boghaven Army Commander, covered in mud and brandishing a tree branch in one hand. On the Monument was written The Boghaven Army dug a great pit here. It never seemed to occur to anyone that in the future this might become meaningless.

All the new boys stood shuddering in the cold, wearing nothing at all but their games knickers and with bare feet, listening to Mr Sato extolling the virtues of climbing. After some ten minutes of encouragement they had to climb the smallest of the Boghaven Hills. They should not be disappointed about this, Mr Sato insisted, as they would very soon be climbing the bigger hills. They were told that once they had climbed the hill they could run back to School and have a communal bath, in warm water. The idea of of this was so fantastic that most of the boys began at once to climb as fast as they could.

Jack was very good at climbing and reached the top of the hill before anyone else. He passed Ianto and Owen on his way down the hill. In fact, despite bleeding feet, he had found the climb much easier than climbing the side of Rough House. He ran back to School as fast as exhaustion and sore feet enabled him and was able to get in a bath of fresh, clean, warm water all on his own. So far behind him was everyone else that he was half way through his supper before any of them arrived back at School.

Singing had already started when the hill climbers finally struggled into Supper and were allowed, as a great concession, to eat while everyone else sang. Due to a lack of singing around him it was inevitably noticed that Jack could actually sing. Wallace soon had him standing on the platform beside the top table singing solos. As Jack had been taught Music by Uncle Bunny, the songs he knew were not, in fact, the usual songs sung by Schoolboys. Thus, the Hall was entertained by Jack's renditions of ''come into the garden Maud" and "she was poor but she was honest." Wallace asked Jack if he knew anything cheerful and Jack responded by singing "the baby on the shore" a comic song about an abandoned baby, which is fed whiskey and is eventually sat upon. The boys thoroughly enjoyed this and demanded more, but the bell rang and all the younger boys had to depart for bed.

Jack lay in bed awake for a while thinking about his new life as a Schoolboy. It was, he thought, turning out to be more interesting than he had expected. He finally fell asleep and dreamt he was a goat. A large whiskey drinking goat.

 

 

  
The Third Picture from Sir Adrian Shoecutter's Lecture.

 


	5. An exciting Supper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack writes an essay on sheep, eats pancake bogs, has fun in the Cadet Corps, and shares his bed with Ianto.  
> Gwen falls in a vat of Boghaven cheese.

  
The next morning brought clouds and rain, but the boys had to do their usual run anyhow. After the run they had breakfast of porridge, which this morning was neither runny nor lumpy but both at the same time, in other words, runny with lumps floating in it. It was also green, but the boys ate it anyhow, as, after a long run in the rain, most of the boys would have eaten anything.  
  
After breakfast came lessons and the first lesson of the day was Biology. The Headmaster had introduced Biology to the School because he had heard that Thistledown had Biology. The Biology Master was a certain Mr Capon, whose family owned a Sheep Farm. This explained of course, his preoccupation with sheep.  
  
Mr Capon unveiled a large portrait of a sheep and said loudly to the boys, who were all gazing at the sheep with equal expressions of bewilderment, "Now, what do you think that is?"  
  
A boy near the back of the room waved his hand and shouted back "it's a sheep, sir, we have lots of them at home."  
  
"Ah" said Mr Capon, in a tone that he hoped conveyed some great mystery about to be revealed "but what use is it, think about it for a while, I'm just going outside for a moment to light my Pipe."  
  
The boys attempted to think about sheep. It was, in fact, strikingly difficult, as sheep were boring. Owen soon started to think about a certain young female who lived near his home. Her name was Sarah and they had spent many happy hours together in her Father's barn doing interesting things of the type that their elders would have frowned upon had they known about them. Ianto thought about Chocolates. He spent a great deal of his time thinking about Chocolates. Jack imagined he was climbing a high mountain while, far beneath him, crowds of people shouted and cheered him on.  
  
Mr Capon suddenly reappeared in the room and shouted "well, boys, have you thought about the sheep?" Mr Capon usually shouted at boys because he thought it helped them to concentrate.  
  
Some boys actually had thought about sheep and one boy said that they provided wool and another said they were good to eat and you could eat their offspring too. Mr Capon seemed pleased at that and proceeded to extoll the virtues of sheep for at least a half hour. While he was shouting about sheep several boys at the back of the room started a card game. Mr Capon didn't notice. After a while Mr Capon grew somewhat hoarse and told the boys to write an essay on sheep. They could start that very moment he told them, and finish later during their prep.  
  
Jack began to write enthusiastically but almost right away ran out of ideas. When the bell rang for the end of the lesson he had written the following:  
  
Sheep by Lord John Harvey Harkness.  
  
We do not have sheep at home as we have cows. Cows give milk and you can make it into butter and cheese. Sheep are smaller than cows and have to be sheared. Then the wool is made into things like my best coat which itches. You can eat sheep but it is called mutton. I have had mutton and it is beastly and I would rather eat cow which is not called cow. You can eat the babies which are lambs and they taste good. They look pretty jumping about in the fields then they take them away and we eat them. They taste very good, not like rabbit which we had once because Cook was given 4 rabbits by a poacher. Rabbit is horrid.  
  
The next lesson was English and they all had to study Shakespeare's Hamlet. Hamlet, Jack decided, was boring and he and Ianto flicked notes to each other covered in ink until one of the notes hit Grimes Minor in the eye. He had ink running down his face. It was generally agreed later that this was an improvement.  
  
Lunch was a traditional Boghaven dish called Pancake Bogs. For this dish the cook simply made a pancake the usual way and filled it with whatever was handy, in other words, left overs. Pea soup was always served with Pancake Bogs as you were supposed to dip your pancake in the soup. There evidently had not been enough peas for the soup so some boys had Pea and Carrot Soup. This immediately caused problems because some boys without carrots wanted them and some boys with carrots didn't want them and conveying this in silence was difficult, if not downright impossible. Dipping a pancake in the soup was a task in itself. Jack's pancake simply fell apart and dropped in pieces into his soup and Ianto's pancake fell on the floor, but he ate it anyhow. After this excitement they had sponge pudding which was more like rock than sponge. It was difficult to swallow and some boys rolled it up in balls and threw it at each other. One lump was so hard it knocked a boy unconscious and Matron Cooper had to be sent for. There was no doubt that meals in Boghaven School were entertaining. Largely inedible but fun.  
  
After lunch all the new boys had to assemble on what was called "The Big Playing Field." They were then introduced to Sergeant Major Tripple, who was in charge of the school's Cadet Corps. The Sergeant Major spent some time telling the boys of the great tradition of the Cadet Corps, and how it was their duty to put all their energy into the fun activities of marching, drilling and learning to shoot. Uniforms and weapons would soon be issued, but for now they were all to be given a wooden rifle to practice with. Before the fun of that though, they were encouraged to run around the field five times.  
  
After the run the boys were each given a wooden rifle. They practiced using the guns by simply poking each other with them or hitting each other about the head with them, which irritated the Sergeant Major a great deal. He demonstrated the correct way of handling a wooden rifle and the boys watched and listened and then began hitting each other again. The rifles were abandoned and they were all sent into the Main School Hall for drill. For drill they had to do various things with dumb-bells, such as toss them in the air and catch them again and throw them to each other, without dropping them of course. It was supposed to teach cooperation and coordination, but all it really taught the boys was that if a dumb-bell fell on your foot it was very painful.  
  
After the dumb-bells they were instructed on the correct methods of forming rows, each at an extended arm length from the next boy, and how to March in formation. Every now and then they ran out of Hall and had to turn and it was then that a number of boys, including Jack unfortunately, turned the wrong way, causing predictable chaos. Sergeant Major Tripple grew red with frustration and told them he had never had a group of worse recruits, which was what he told all the new boys every year.  
  
After the thrill of the Cadet Corps the boys were sent to do their prep. Jack, Owen and Ianto were faced with reading a scene from "Hamlet" and finishing their essay on Sheep. Jack finished his very quickly by simply adding on the end of what he had already written, the words "I cannot write any more about sheep because we have cows." Ianto wrote a long and solemn tale about an Aunt of his who had had a pet sheep called Daisy. It had the run of the house and wore a dress, which said a great deal about Ianto's Aunt but not actually very much about sheep. Owen wrote about the time he and an older cousin had found a dead sheep and dissected it. This was not an essay about sheep so much as an essay about sheep's innards.  
  
Jack was halfway through reading the relevant section of Hamlet when he heard the familiar voice of Wallace Wallace shouting "fag". With great reluctance he abandoned Hamlet and ran to answer the call. Wallace Wallace was in his study along with two other prefects, Cameron and Brown. Brown was a dour northerner whose Father had made a fortune and become enormously famous for solving what was called in Boghaven the Full Drawer Problem, although it applied to cupboards and pantries equally well. This was the age old conundrum that dictated that no matter how much you remove from a drawer, cupboard, pantry etc, it will always remain as full as before. Brown Seniors Mathematical theorem that explained this was very complicated and no-one understood it except Brown himself, but nevertheless he was Knighted for it and became a Millionaire almost overnight.  
  
Cameron was a cheerful boy who was always saying that everyone did everything the wrong way and if he was in charge he would do it differently. When pressed for what exactly he would do that was different he usually said it was still in the planning stage and wait and see. His Father was famous for never doing any work. He went through his entire School life without ever doing anything at all. Cameron Junior was not much like his Father, which everyone thought was a pity. If he told his Father he had written an essay his Father usually shouted at him "you did what?"  
  
Wallace, Cameron and Brown were eating crumpets and more needed toasting. Jack kneeled on the floor and toasted the crumpets by the fire and listened to his elders discussing who would take Wallace's place when he left the School. Brown said there was not enough Mathematics and boys should be encouraged to plot their progress through School on a graph. Cameron said there should be fewer lessons. Jack was with Cameron, as he had no idea how to plot anything on a graph. They then went on to talking about the School Tuck shop, which was out of bounds to anyone under 14, so didn't interest Jack much at all. Brown said the prices were too high and everything should be cheaper. Cameron said the prices were too cheap and should be raised but the Tuck should be of better quality. At that point someone, Jack didn't see who it was, dropped butter on someone else and they all started to throw buttered crumpets at each other so Jack left the room. They didn't notice he had gone, luckily.  
  
Supper was, as usual, bread, cheese and beer, and was followed by Singing. To make things more interesting Wallace had decided that they would sing a Round. It was extremely unfortunate that Wallace had picked the age old favorite "Summer is a-coming in" and had decided that they would sing it in six parts. None of them knew it, so they had to learn the words first. Wallace shouted them to the boys and they, very helpfully, shouted them back. There was some confusion about the words "bloweth mead" but they liked the line that ended "buck farteth". After the fun of the words Wallace had to teach the boys the tune. This was a terrifying experience as Wallace couldn't sing. However, some vague idea of the tune filtered through somehow and then, once the boys were divided into six groups, attempts to sing began.  
  
In the nearby Masters Common Room, a group of Masters were smoking and discussing the days events when the most terrible and frightening noises arose from nearby. Mr Sato jumped to his feet and said he was going to fetch his pistol. Mr Hapgood said he would go and fetch the Police if the noise didn't stop quite quickly. Mr Green hid behind a sofa and managed to set light to it with his pipe. Professor Pilkington grabbed a vase of flowers and emptied the contents over the smoking sofa and in the process soaked Mr Green's head.  
  
Mr Sato rushed boldly, armed with his pistol, into the Lion's Den, and discovered the terrible noise was just the boys trying to sing. He was so shocked that he accidently fired his pistol at the ceiling and a decorative ceiling boss, in the form of a Griffin, fell down and hit Kirkcaldy Fife on the head. Kirkcaldy was standing up at the time, trying to help conduct the singing, using his hammer as a baton. The shock of being hit by a Griffin was so severe that Kirkcaldy let go of his trusty hammer. His arm was in the upbeat position at the time, so the hammer flew through the air and hit Mr Sato on the forehead. At this inopportune moment Matron Cooper arrived, shouting "has anyone seen my little Gwen?" having at last noticed that the child in question was missing. Since their elders were throwing things the boys naturally had started throwing things as well, which in their case meant bread and small bits of cheese. This was why Matron Cooper received no answer to her question. She was just hit by several pieces of cheese and some bits of squashed bread.  
  
All good things come to an end however, and the prefects, under the expert command of Wallace Wallace, gained control of the situation by simply turning all the gas jets off. Since it is very difficult to throw things accurately in total darkness, things soon calmed down and Mr Hapgood didn't need to go and fetch the School Policeman, which was lucky because he was 60 years old and had only one leg and the rest of the Police were far away in Boghaven City.  
  
Normally, the younger boys would have gone to bed after the excitement of Supper, but instead they were sent to look for the missing Gwen. Some of them were retained to help clear up the remains of the meal and the blood stains, but everyone else had to look for Gwen. Owen, Ianto and Jack wandered aimlessly about the School looking in various places, like chests and odd cupboards. They found several dead rats and a cat eating a field mouse but there was no sign of Gwen. A whole posse of boys went to look for Gwen in the bog, but she wasn't there and they couldn't get out for hours and hours, and in the end a search party had to be sent out to look for them.  
  
Some of the older boys went into town and looked for Gwen in places where they were sure a 10 year old girl might go, like Boghaven Brewery or Ye Old Towne Inn. After visiting these places and having no luck in finding anything useful they went to the Boghaven excellent Cheese Factory, which worked day and night producing Boghaven Cheese. The Factory was owned by a certain Bryn Williams, who had a son called Rhys. When Mr Williams was asked about Gwen, he said that she often visited and that she and Rhys were friends. Rhys was fetched from his bed and confessed that he had seen Gwen. She had, it seemed, fallen into one of the vats in which the Cheese was left to process or ferment or whatever. The last time he had seen her she had been going under for the third time so he was sure she was dead. He admitted he was worried that it might affect the taste of the Cheese.  
  
Everyone went to look at the vat in question and, sure enough, there was a cheese covered child clinging to the side of the vat. The language the child produced when rescued from the vat was so horrific it gave some of the cheese factory workers nightmares for weeks. Gwen was conveyed back to the School covered in cheese. At least, if left for another three days it would have been cheese. Spending a day in a vat of liquid cheese was not fun and Gwen was very cross. She was even more cross when her Mother told her there was no hot water until the following morning because the servants had finished for the day, so the fast drying cheese would have to be scraped off.  
  
Back in the factory a serious decision had to be made. Would they be able to sell the cheese after Gwen had spent so much time in it? After a few moments thought Mr Williams decided they would sell the cheese under another name. It would be Gwen Cooper Special Reserve Cheese containing the real, the one and only essence of Gwen. He didn't go into what that meant, but a day is a long time when you are 10 and it was well watered down {it was a very large vat}.  
  
The following Friday was Boghaven Cake Day and Jack was eager for that as he was now 12 and you had to be 12 for Boghaven Cake Day. He went to bed tired and happy. School was so much fun, he thought. He was even happier when Ianto whispered to him from the next bed "can I come into your bed with you, mine's fearfully chilly?" I love School, he thought, as he closed his eyes, feeling Ianto's warm, slightly chocolate smelling body next to his in the bed, "I'm going to be School Captain and spit even further than Aunt Henry."


	6. Boghaven Cake Day.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys make cakes and go into Town.

Queen Catherine was very fond of Boghaven because she had been born in Boghaven Castle, which was right on the border with Wristshackle, and her son and daughter, Catherine and Caspian, had been born there too. Her Mother and Grandmother, who were both called Bruce, had been born there as well. So it was while she was staying in Boghaven Castle in the second year of her reign that Queen Bruce 17th, the present Queen's Grandmother, happened to look out of a window and saw a wondrous sight. A massive crowd of Peasants with banners were marching up the long wide road, called Main Castle Road, toward the Castle.

Queen Bruce called for help and numerous servants arrived and informed her that the Peasants were protesting that they had no bread. The Queen wanted to know what was wrong with cake as she much preferred cakes to bread anyway, only to be informed that they had no cake either. 

The Peasants eventually arrived at the main gate of the Castle and tried to open it by sheer force of numbers. The Castle Guard, whose average age was somewhat over 70 due to an error on an official document some 200 years in the past, tried to keep them back but failed, as rheumatism and bad eyesight caused them to be slightly inefficient in a crisis. So it wasn't long before the Peasants gathered under Queen Bruce's window waving their banners.

Most of the Peasants were illiterate, so, as a result, many of the banners were decorated with drawings of bread with a red line painted through the bread. Some of the banners were completely blank and some actually had words on them such as "We wont bred" and "giv us bred" and "we hav no bred". Thus Boghaven Cake Day was born, as Queen Bruce 17th thought Boghaven Bread Day sounded boring.

The first Boghaven Cake day had ended with a riot, but things had become more organized since then. Everyone in the kingdom had a day off work and everyone that had access to the correct ingredients had to make a cake. To avoid trouble, children under 12 were banned from cake making. The cake for the Cake Day had to be made early in the morning and then you had to convey your cake to a set place, usually the local market square. The theory was, that if you were cakeless you had to persuade a person with a cake to give them yours. Naturally this resulted in a lot of fighting and cake throwing, but so far no-one had been killed so it was thought a great success.

Eventually prizes were given to the best cakes and the whole day turned into a fun day out. Peasants went into town in droves and tasted cakes. The Boghaven hangmen were the only people doing paid work as it became traditional for criminals to be hung at the end of the day. One year four of them were hung at once and just as they fell through the trapdoor someone screamed out from the viewing crowd "they haven't had their cake". The half hung men were rescued rapidly and given a cake each to eat. Then they were hung. Properly that time.

On the morning of that years Cake Day, the bell rang two hours earlier than usual and all the boys rushed to wash and dress so they could go and make cakes. They didn't even have to do their usual run. They ate breakfast doubly fast and were soon crowded into the School Kitchens with their sleeves rolled up and wearing aprons. Jack, Ianto and Owen managed to squash together on the corner of a counter and assemble their ingredients, which had helpfully been put out the night before by the kitchen staff.

There was a shortage of spoons so some boys mixed their ingredients with their hands. They then licked the mixture to see if it tasted alright. Eventually the cakes were cooked in the massive School ovens and by lunchtime everyone, somewhat miraculously, had a cake to take into town. Some boys decorated their cakes but most left them plain. Ianto poured melted chocolate all over his which made a terrible mess on the counter as it rapidly dried. Owen's cake collapsed in the oven so it came out with a big dent in the center and Jack's rose so much it ran all over the cake next to it in the oven and the two cakes had to be forcibly separated. He decorated it with great care and attention however.

The cakes had to be carried into town, which was a distance of several miles. Some of the boys ate their cakes on the way, as they had had no lunch. Some of them ate part of their cakes or ate the decorations. A small number of boys fell over and ruined their cakes and one or two got lost every year and never arrived in town at all. However, by mid afternoon a vast number of boys had arrived in town, plus their cakes, to join the throng of people already there.

Jack, Ianto and Owen found a small space to stand near an Inn called "The Old Beare." This had a sign which pictured a large, totally naked and very hairy man eating what appeared to be a banana. Almost immediately a very fat woman with no teeth and carrying a fat toddler who also had no teeth approached the boys and demanded Owen's cake. Since she smelled horrifically Owen gave it to her. Ianto's cake went to an old man who had a ring in his nose and a small green parrot on one shoulder. He shared his cake with the parrot, which swore and spat. 

After an hour, Jack still had his cake and he started to feel upset. "What's wrong with my cake" he kept asking everyone. He kept thrusting it at passers by and no-one wanted it. He couldn't see anything wrong with it himself and he knew he had spent a lot of care and attention on it.

"It's probably the spiders" Ianto suggested, after a while, as he, Jack and Owen all stared at the cake.

"There's nothing wrong with spiders!" Jack exclaimed in despair "Father collected models of them. He had hundreds. They were beautiful!"

"Not on a cake though" Owen pointed out "and not real ones."

"I tried to make some but I couldn't" Jack sighed "and I did make sure they were all dead first and I did cover them with sugar."

There was really no answer to this, but luckily, at that very moment, a tall and very ragged man approached them, walking sideways, and stopped in front of Jack and his cake. "Spiders" he muttered "be they real boy? Be they the real thing?"

"Yes" Jack murmured, looking down at his cake sorrowfully "they are the real thing."

"Just what I and mine have been wanting" said the man, grinning and showing that he had four rows of teeth instead of the usual two "if you be kind enough to let me have it I will take it back home and we will feast."

Jack handed over his cake with relief and the man slunk away sideways, carrying it carefully. Jack was very happy that someone wanted his cake, even if he did have 64 teeth and walked oddly. He wondered what the rest of the man's family looked like and was musing on this, when Owen interrupted his thoughts and said were they going to go and see the hanging, or whatever it was this year.

There was an huge crowd gathering in the Central Square about a raised wooden platform, but there was obviously not going to be a hanging. Owen was disappointed, but nevertheless they waited to see what was going to happen. After around a half hour the crowd parted to allow the Town Hangmen to pass, escorting three men dressed in white smocks and with their hands tied behind their backs. The Hangmen were sorry they couldn't hang the men but, what the hell, they thought, work was work, and it paid well.

The Hangmen and the prisoners mounted the platform and the First Hangman addressed the crowd. "Hear ye, citizens" he shouted "listen and note well. These men have been found guilty of the heinous crime of coveting from their neighbors. They have coveted from their neighbors for years and now they have been caught and will receive the punishment demanded by the law. In accordance with Bi-law 239 of the penal code they are each sentenced to eat ten dry crackers in one minute without taking a drink, and no help will be tolerated."

There was a gasp of horror from the crowd at this cruel and savage punishment. The prisoners hands were untied and, watched carefully by the Hangmen and the crowd, they were each given a small tray containing ten dry crackers. The First Hangman promptly blew a whistle and the punishment began. The crowd, feeling sorry for the poor prisoners, shouted words of encouragement as the men struggled with the crackers. It was obvious from the start that two of the prisoners were not going to succeed in the task. Their cheeks bulged and bits of cracker flew in all directions, but it was hopeless. The third man, who was large and bald, finished his ten crackers in style and raised his arms in a gesture of triumph. The crowd erupted in cheers of joy. Several women started to sob with happiness.

The First Hangman raised his arms for quiet and shouted at the assembled masses "Philpot Grimey and Daniel Temple will be allowed to try to complete their punishment on another day as arranged by the Courts. Angel Groper will be set free."

Angel Groper had his hand shaken by all the Hangmen and was allowed to leave the platform and join the crowd, where he was received like an hero and plied with cakes that had obviously been held back for the occasion. It was well known in Boghaven that men were sometimes in prison for years before they managed to complete whatever punishment the Courts had meted out to them.

After this excitement, Jack, Ianto and Owen started on their way back to School, meeting many other boys on the way. They had all been told to be back for supper and they were starving and tired. Cheese, beer and bread had never seemed so inviting. Half way home they met up with Cameron and Brown, the prefects who were hoping to get Wallace Wallace's position once he left School. As usual they were arguing, this time about Boghaven's version of Rugby, which was played without a ball. Cameron thought the ball should be reintroduced to the game but Brown pointed out that it had been removed in the first place because it kept getting lost during play, so the game usually finished without it anyhow.

Boghaven Rugby was played with two teams of twenty boys each. There were goals at each end of the field and the purpose of the game was to get the ball, which was a boy in this case, over the goal line. Points were given for getting the boy at set distances toward the goal also. There were rules about how the boy could be moved and pushing, kicking and throwing were forbidden. You had to actually carry the boy, while the opposing team tried to make you drop him by pushing and kicking you. If the opposing team member injured the boy during this process his team lost points. Naturally it was in a team's interest to have the smallest boy possible as the ball, and the School had won several Trophies one year when the ball was a midget.

Jack decided that he liked Cameron more than Brown because Cameron could whistle and wriggle his ears at the same time. He could also hop with one leg wrapped around the other. Brown was an expert spitter but somehow the ear wriggling and hopping seemed more interesting, to Jack anyhow.

By the time the boys had their supper it was already nearly ten o'clock at night and they were very tired. Ianto fell asleep at the table and pieces of cheese and bread fell out of his mouth. Owen was so tired he started to chew his plate at one point. Jack stared up at the ceiling, which was barely visible in the dim light, and daydreamed. He found he was thinking of the time when his Aunt Alice had come to his bedside and whistled "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do" in his ear. He had been under the impression when small that the words were actually "Daisy, Daisy, give me your Aunt's ado" which puzzled him a great deal. Sometimes at Rough House they had had Musical evenings and Jack had been made to sing and his Uncle Bunny had played the paper and comb while his Aunt Alice whistled in time. Happy days.

Bed had never seemed so welcoming and the boys trailed up to their dormitory and got straight into their night shirts without washing. The room was a bit smelly as a result, especially at the end where Peter Ripper slept, as he had the smelliest feet in Boghaven. Jack lay awake for a while, despite his exhaustion, and listened to the sounds of the boys around him. Already he could identify who was making what noises. I love my School, he thought sentimentally and he fell into a deep sleep and dreamed he was eating hundreds of crackers one after the other to the sounds of thunderous applause.


	7. Christmas at Boghaven.  {Part one of two}.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas In Boghaven and the boys are out decorating trees. Gwen decides she is in love with Jack. We learn all about the Spinning Howard, among other things.

Christmas was approaching and the boys of Boghaven School were out decorating trees in the time old Boghaven tradition. The tree decorating tradition in Boghaven dated back to Queen Bruce 1st of course. She had succeeded to the throne at the age of 16 and had, quite accidentally, started the tree decorating tradition when a scarf she was wearing, while riding her horse across the countryside, caught in a tree. To avoid being strangled she expertly unhooked it from her neck and left it in the tree. It looked very pretty fluttering in the winter breeze. 

As usual, many peasants were watching Queen Bruce's progress and saw the scarf in the tree. Naturally they thought she had put it there purposely, so they rushed to do the same to their own trees. Not having scarves they used all manner of other things and a tradition was born. Tourists from far and wide now visited Boghaven just to see the decorated trees. Hence, exactly ten days before Christmas day itself, the entire population of Boghaven were given time off from their labors to decorate trees. That was why Jack, Ianto and Owen were in Boghaven wood putting bits of colored paper, models of sheep and cows, and other oddities, in trees one cold winter day in December. Followed, unfortunately for Jack, by Gwen Cooper.

Jack had noticed, only days before, that everywhere he went Gwen seemed to appear shortly after. She often didn't say anything to him, she just behaved oddly. She sometimes waved to him and grinned, which, with her teeth being as they were, was somewhat alarming in itself. Sometimes she simply fell down on the ground and started to cry, which was equally frightening. Now and again she started to talk to him which amused Owen extremely. Jack had no idea what to say to girls, as he had met so few, and he found Gwen rather terrifying. Unbeknown to Jack, of course, Gwen had decided that she was in love with him.

Being as old as 10, Gwen had been in love before but she was convinced that this was different. Jack Harkness was simply the loveliest boy she had ever seen and she was sure that she was madly in love with him. It had all started when she was watching a game of Boghaven Rugby and she saw Jack struggling to carry the ball while other horrid boys tried to make him drop it. Unfortunately, the object of her adoration did not appear to know she existed, which was very upsetting. She followed him about the School and tried to attract his attention by various means but they all failed. She tried falling down and crying but some other boy helped her before Jack noticed. She tried to start conversations with him but he always ran away. She began to feel desperate. 

Jack inevitably started to wonder if Gwen was slightly insane. He knew all about insanity. The Harkness family were famous for it and had been for generations. His own Great Grandmother had invented the Spinning Howard, after all. This was a device intended to be used for fun, but which had ended up being used in Prisons, which the Harkness family found rather puzzling. It consisted of a metal chair attached to the ceiling by wires, which was warmed by a fire. Someone was then strapped into the chair and it was hauled up in the air and spun around rapidly.

Howard had been Great Grandmother's lover and he had been the first to try out the chair. He had not been fastened in very securely and as the chair spun he flew out and, after hitting the ceiling, fell swiftly down to the floor. He had burns on his rear, because the chair was too hot, and concussion, but the chair was declared a great success. In Prisons, the criminals actually queued for it, mainly because after being spun they received a rare hot meal {since the spinning made them all vomit}.

After decorating several trees, and using up all the bits and pieces they had brought with them, Owen suggested that they might go and decorate the bog, because it was very boring and unChristmassy to look at. He also had some red paint and several brushes and wanted to see the paint in the bog. Jack felt that if they rushed they might be able to loose Gwen, but when they ran, she ran too and she was a fast runner. Owen said they should just push her over and run off, but Jack didn't like that idea and neither did Ianto, so, when they reached the bog, there was Gwen watching them from not far off clutching Arabella, her favorite doll, which despite its appearance, was only three months old.

They reached the outer edge of the bog and, getting down on their hands and knees, began to paint. The usual muddy color of the bog soon began to look, well, slightly bloody instead, and it would have been great fun if Gwen hadn't been watching them, holding Arabella.

Arabella was a wax doll and had had a terrible accident while Gwen was warming her before a fire. Her face had run. Gwen, being an enterprising child, had heated the face some more and attempted to carve it back into some faint resemblance of its former self, using a knife and fork. The result was terrifying and had once given an unsuspecting boy a nightmare when Gwen had shown her love by leaving Arabella in the boys bed. Turning back your covers and seeing Arabella was, quite simply, petrifying.

"She's still here" Jack hissed to Ianto, sitting up on his heels "what can we do?"

"What does she want?" Ianto hissed back.

"I'll ask her" said Owen, grinning wickedly, and before Jack and Ianto could stop him, he waved at Gwen and yelled "come on over and help us paint."

Gwen came rushing over, clutching Arabella by one leg, which made her look slightly better, as her face wasn't visible. Ignoring Ianto and Owen, she bent over Jack and demanded "Kith me, Jack and then I'll help you paint. I'm a good paintew."

"Er, not just now" Jack mumbled "I'm painting."

Gwen got down on her knees beside him. "Youw making an awful meth" she pointed out, calmly "if you kith me, I'll help you make it bettew."

"We haven't any more brushes" Jack explained "why don't you go home. Your Mother will be looking for you."

"No the wont" Gwen sighed "there are thwee boyth in thick bay with coldth and Tothh hath gone to town to thee the lighting being put up."

"Why didn't you go too?" shouted Owen.

"I wanted to be with Jack" Gwen replied with disarming honesty, " but if you kith me and Awabella I'll go away becauthe this bog ith cold."

Jack was actually tempted by this generous offer, so, screwing up his eyes tightly, he planted a swift kiss on Gwen's left cheek. Gwen then held Arabella up for her turn and Jack got his first really close look at Arabella's face. It was hideous. "I'll kiss Arabella some other time" he said hastily, and got to his feet as quickly as he could. Gwen, unfortunately, got to her feet as well. Jack did the only thing possible then, he ran away, and Gwen did the only thing possible too, she ran after him. 

Jack's running was hampered by having very muddy boots so Gwen eventually caught up with him, as she was less muddy. In her excitement she dropped Arabella, and, in his eagerness to get away, Jack trod on her. Gwen screamed as Arabella was squashed into the soft wet Boghaven earth. Jack fished Arabella out of the dirt. She didn't really look much worse to him, as she had looked so terrible before anyhow. Gwen thought otherwise though.

"You've wuined Awabella!" she shouted, snatching Arabella from him and going red with rage and misery.

"I'll fix her" Jack said quickly, because Gwen crying and in a rage was simply terrifying "you see, she'll be as good as--well--like she was before."

Gwen began to look less red much to Jack's relief. She gave Arabella to him and kissed him briefly on the cheek before turning and going away home toward the School, leaving Jack holding the dreaded doll and wondering what to do with her.

Jack returned to the bog carrying Arabella, to find Owen and Ianto, very helpfully, still painting. Owen grinned at Jack as he approached and said "you lost her then?" Jack explained that he he trodden on Arabella, which both Ianto and Owen found very funny. They found Jack being stuck with Arabella to mend even more funny. After a lot of laughter Owen suggested they simply left Arabella near the bog and came back for her later. Jack was cross about Arabella but even more cross with Owen and Ianto because they had almost used up all the paint and they were forbidden to go to Town to see the Christmas Candles being put up. The previous year there had been an huge fire and the Town Hall had burned to the ground and the year before that part of the New Boghaven Shopping Center had caught fire and had been spectacularly ruined. Christmas was an exciting time in Boghaven.

The three boys returned to School and got there just in time for Supper. They were on Kirkcaldy Fife's table and half way through the meal someone spoke twice and Kirkcaldy was so irritated that he dropped his hammer on his foot. By accident, of course. After the meal the singing was more terrible than usual and Cameron and Brown started to fight when Cameron accidentally laughed and spat some cheese on Brown. It was unusual for Prefects to fight so a great many other boys joined in. Wallace Wallace shouted for order but no one listened. Then someone hit him on the head with some very hard bread so he gave up and just sat down and watched the chaos.

The Boghaven version of bread was fantastic for throwing at people and Boghaven cheese was inclined to be sticky, so, when thrown, was likely to stick, in a very satisfactory manner, to its intended target. Many boys had no idea of how to throw successfully so cheese and bread soon covered the room. One very fat boy by the name of James Dea'th started to eat all the cheese that stuck to the walls and floor near where he was sitting. It was all great fun and it was, in fact, quite difficult to really injure someone with bread and cheese so it was largely harmless too, although one boy had once slipped on some cheese and died when he broke his neck by falling against a table. A plaque was affixed to the wall near where he died which read "Peter Brandy left this world near this spot when he trod on a piece of cheese." This was a great talking point for future generations since it explained nothing about how the unfortunate boy had met his end.

After the excitement of Supper the younger boys had to go to bed. First though, they needed to try to clean some of the accumulated cheese and bread from their clothing, hair and exposed skin. By the time Jack, Ianto and Owen reached the large room where the two Boghaven baths were situated, both baths were almost full of boys. They managed to strip and squash together in the corner of bath number two, but there was no soap and the water was almost cold and not very clean unfortunately. They had to resort to picking the cheese off themselves and their companions. It was a well known fact in Boghaven that many great and important friendships had been forged in this unlikely manner. The present Mayor of Boghaven had met his partner when the two of them shared a Boghaven bath and started to pick cheese off one another. It was very romantic.

After the bathing they all returned to their dormitories for bed. As usual, Jack and Ianto waited until the other boys were asleep and then squashed in together. In two days they would all be going home for Christmas, which meant that the School would be serving Christmas dinner the very next day and they would have the whole day free of lessons and running over hills to exchange presents and Christmas greetings. Jack was eager to see Rough House again but the problem of Arabella loomed large in his mind and prevented him sleeping for a long time, and when he did sleep, he dreamed the dreadful doll had come alive and was chasing him over the Boghaven Hills.


	8. Christmas at Boghaven.  {Part two of two}.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack rescues Arabella. Presents are exchanged. Christmas dinner in Boghaven. How to catch a Christmas Duck. Party fun.

The following morning Jack awoke very early. He rushed to perform his usual morning ablutions, dressed hurriedly and ran to the bog to retrieve Arabella. She was lying on her back, covered in mud and looking quite horrific. Jack gathered her up and ran back to School, carrying her well away from his body in case of contamination. He went to the School laundry and searched for some soap. In a cupboard he found a large number of bars of Boghaven Superior Soap, which was advertised with a picture of a maid wearing a very white apron over which was written the words "washed with Boghaven Superior Soap, no rubbing necessary".

Jack stripped Arabella and, after filling a sink full of cold water, since there was no hot water available, he plunged both Arabella and her clothing inside. Arabella sank like a stone. Jack rubbed soap over the clothing and dunked it repeatedly in the water, which turned a muddy brown very speedily. After this effort Jack fished Arabella out of the water to find she had lost what little color she had left and was now a uniform white all over. The clothing still looked dirty too. Jack was miserable. As he stood contemplating his dilemma, he heard footsteps. He looked around and there stood Maggie Brown, one of the laundry maids.

"Now, now young Sir" she said firmly "you know this is out of bounds."

"I was trying to wash something" Jack quavered nervously.

Maggie looked at Arabella and her clothing. "I wont ask why you have a Doll, young sir" she said, smiling cheerfully "but leave her with me and I will endeavor to restore her to a more reasonable condition." {Maggie had been a School Teacher in another life.}

"She's not mine" Jack explained hastily "she belongs to Gwen Cooper. I trod on her. Near the bog."

Maggie laughed. "I'll return her to the young Lady and say you instructed me to mend her" she said.

Jack was so happy at this unexpected piece of good luck that he wondered briefly if it was acceptable to kiss a laundry maid. He decided it probably wasn't. He left the laundry whistling happily and bumped straight into Arabella's owner, who, of course, had been following him as usual.

"Whewe'th my Awabella?" she asked, crossly "I thaw you take hew in thewe."

"The laundry are going to fix her" Jack said quickly "she'll be as good as new."

"I don't want hew to be ath good ath new" Gwen shouted "I liked hew ath thhe wath."

"She'll be just like she was" Jack said, crossing his fingers hopefully "I promise. I have to go now. To breakfast. And it's Christmas dinner today."

"I'll come with you" Gwen said, smiling happily.

They went back together, Gwen chatting all the way. Jack nodded now and again and found he was wondering, not for the first time, exactly what maids had under their skirts. His attempts, at Rough House, to see, had met with total failure. Dropping something and then trying to pick it up while looking up a skirt just didn't work. Owen had two pictures of naked females in his possession which he would show people for a small fee. One showed a naked woman sitting on a sofa holding a large cabbage. Her breasts were huge and quite visible but nothing else but hair could be seen at all. In the other picture the woman was sitting on a man's knees and not even her breasts could be seen clearly. Seeing the pictures had been, Jack thought, a great waste of money. He wondered, very briefly, if asking Gwen to strip would be worth the bother. He looked at her and decided it wouldn't.

After parting with Gwen, who kissed his cheek before she went, Jack rushed to have breakfast and found, to his relief, that Owen and Ianto had saved him a corner of a bench to sit on. He couldn't explain where he had been because of the rule of silence so he just nodded his thanks. Because they would all be going home the very next day they were served eggs and fried bread for breakfast instead of porridge. The cooks had actually made some effort to make the food edible too, in strong contrast to the normal state of affairs when they made no effort at all. 

After the thrill of an edible breakfast the boys were released to exchange presents. They were told they could go anywhere in the School for this, which explained why, somewhat later in the day, several prefects were discovered totally naked in one of the cellars. Owen gave everyone he liked, including Jack and Ianto of course, socks. School socks were grey, so very helpfully Owen gave everyone navy socks. Ianto gave his friends Chocolates, in boxes of varying sizes according to how fond he was of the recipient. This explained why Jack got the biggest box. Jack gave everyone handkerchiefs. Many of the boys had had colds over the past few weeks so Jack thought handkerchiefs would be useful. Ianto's were embroidered with the words "my best friend". Uncle Bunny had done the embroidery himself. He had once won a prize for embroidering an huge picture of Boghaven Castle. The Queen herself had it in her Dining room.

Jack was embarrassed to be given a present by Wallace Wallace. Upon the wrapper was written the words "to the Worlds most wonderful Fag." Owen thought that was the funniest thing he had ever heard and laughed so much he actually fell on the floor and rolled about. Jack was mortified. The present proved to be a small bottle of Perfume which Wallace Wallace said he made just for Jack alone. In the note it also said Jack was to wear it when he came to clean Wallace Wallace's study. It evidently was made of lemon verbena, lemon-grass and oil of rose geranium mixed in white wine. Owen said perhaps they ought to drink it, but no-one liked that idea and Owen wouldn't drink it himself. They all sniffed it and it was, surprisingly, quite pleasant. 

Just as they were debating whether to put some of the perfume behind their ears, which Owen assured them was what you did with perfume, Gwen Cooper came into their study without knocking. She was wearing a bright red dress with ruffles which looked terrible. She rushed over to Jack and gave him a parcel. He had, very thoughtfully in his opinion, wrapped up three spare handkerchiefs for her just in case. He handed over the handkerchiefs in their rather tatty wrappings. Gwen was ecstatic to get them and blew her nose noisily on one of them right away, saying that she thought she was getting a cold. 

Jack opened his parcel and found more perfume. He wondered for a moment if he stank. He was sure he washed just as much as any other boy in the school though. Gwen assured him she had made the perfume herself. She wouldn't say what was in it and Jack wondered if she knew. They all sniffed it and it was revolting. The color, a pale yellow, didn't help much. After Jack had kissed Gwen dutifully on the cheek and she had thoroughly wetted his face all over, she left and the three boys sniffed the perfume again. Owen declared it smelled worse than a dead rat. Ianto and Jack didn't comment. They just felt slightly nauseated.

They were relieved from wondering why Jack needed perfume by the bell for Christmas dinner. The traditional Boghaven Christmas meal consisted of duck, served with oven roasted and mashed potatoes, Boghaven sprouts {which were the same as Brussels sprouts except they were grown in Boghaven}, carrots, peas, and turnips, plus swede and spinach stuffing. Getting the stuffing right was notoriously difficult, as both the swede and the spinach were inclined to sink into a soggy mess within moments of being heated. The Boghaven way of cooking these items was to cut them up into manageable pieces and put the results into a bowl which was then steamed briefly over a pan of hot water. Stuffing it into the duck followed and this required a talent that most Boghaven people did not possess. Learning to stuff a duck correctly was one of the most difficult things cooks in Boghaven ever had to learn. The main meal was always proceeded by bread, toasted, and then fried in a mixture of butter and Boghaven cheese. This was surprisingly tasty but made fry pans terribly difficult to clean. After the main meal everyone settled down to a large helping of Boghaven steamed pudding covered in treacle or, in some more exotic homes, heated slices of banana.

Just before Christmas there was a great rush to get hold of your duck. The woods and hills and open spaces would suddenly be filled with folk, who couldn't afford to buy a duck, trying to shoot a duck or two or just running after ducks, which very sensibly either flew away or jumped in the nearest pond. People with a spare duck would stand on street corners in Towns and Villages shouting "get your duck here--good tasty duck". Poorer families would gather together and share their duck with neighbors. With the streets filled with lighted candles and the trees covered in decorations it was considered to be the highlight of the year, despite the numerous fires that resulted from the unguarded candles. The Fire Service was always very busy around Christmas time despite being a purely voluntary organization. They were not particularly efficient though and once a fire had started, it was nearly impossible to put it out, especially as Boghaven's Chief fireman was deaf and partially sighted and had only one arm.

As a special treat the boys were allowed to talk while they were eating. Many romantic crushes were inclined to fall aside when the boys discovered the object of their admiration spat food on them while talking. Ianto and Jack noticed that Owen couldn't talk and eat at the same time without making a mess all around himself. Ianto was a neat and tidy eater. Jack attempted to be like Ianto with only a fair degree of success. The bread was delicious and the main meal was cooked just right. Even the stuffing was not too soggy or too hard and was mostly inside each duck. The steamed puddings were magnificent and they were served proper tea, from tea pots afterward, with milk and sugar as well. After the meal they all sang Christmas songs and Jack was encouraged to sing a few solos. 

After singing "Silent Night" and "O little town of Bethlehem" he finished up with a stirring rendition of "The Carol Singers" which was such a success he had to sing it three times. When he eventually reached the last line, the third time around, -- "Look 'ere, Bates, we're Christmas Waits," I says to him with scorn. He said, with a sneer, "Now wait in here and greet the 'appy morn"-- the entire room joined in and then they all applauded wildly.

Several boys then did what was referred to as "turns". The boy who played tunes with his rear performed once again, another boy demonstrated his ability to remove his shirt without first taking off his jacket and another boy juggled very successfully with six gnawed duck legs, which was messy but enjoyable. The tables were then cleared to the walls and they had party games. Jack was particularly fond of parties as they had had some wonderful ones in Rough House. The sight of Uncle Bunny dressed in nothing but an apron, standing on table and singing "the boy I love is up in the gallery" had to be seen to be believed, and Aunt Matty dancing the can can was something special as well. The highlight of these parties was, of course, Pin the Tail on the Maid. One of the maids would bend over, with her rear suitably padded, and everyone would take turns, blindfolded, to pin a tail on her. It was great fun, especially if you missed the padded bit.

They played "Animals" to start with, and naturally it was played Boghaven fashion, which meant that Wallace Wallace was blindfolded and spun around and then sent to catch someone. Since the room was quite crowded he caught someone almost right away, a boy named Thomas Hatter. Thomas then squealed, pig like, several times and Wallace Wallace knew it was him right away, as evidently Thomas was a well known squealer. Thomas was then blindfolded as well and joined Wallace in catching another boy. Soon the room was a scene of chaos with blindfolded boys grabbing at other boys and animal sounds of all types filling the air. Jack was caught by Owen and barked frantically. Owen recognized him despite his attempt to bark in a different voice.

They then played "Feather", a simple game in which a feather had to be kept up the the air by blowing at it. If it touched you, you were out, which resulted in a lot of arguments. "It didn't touch me"---"Yes it did, I saw it". However, the highlight of the evening was "Charades" which was supposed to calm them down. Wallace Wallace went first, as the Boghaven version of Charades didn't involve Teams, or rules really. He stood up on the platform and everyone else sat down on the floor beneath him. He liked that a lot.

"This is a book" Wallace shouted down to his audience. He then remembered that it was better not to speak and made the hand sign for a book. "BOOK" shouted at least half his audience helpfully.

Wallace held up one finger and right away a least half the room shouted "silence". Wallace shook his head and one boy said "first word." Wallace then got down on his knees and appeared to be trying to eat some invisible something from the floor. This elicited a great many comments, most of them impolite and all of them wrong. Wallace tried again and again and then gave up and went onto the next word, which involved him pretending to vomit. Everyone got that right away and so Wallace then went onto the last word which was totally incomprehensible as all he did to demonstrate it was to stand with his arms up in the air. The boys then attempted to guess the book. They couldn't, so Wallace told them it was "Food Poisoning in Boghaven" at which point there was a riot.

Some time later, when cuddled up to Ianto in bed, Jack, bruised and with a black eye, remarked that he had never had so much fun at a party before. Ianto, whose nose was swollen to twice its normal size after someone had hit it with part of a table leg, just snored his reply, but it was a happy snore.


	9. A little "man to man" talk.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little prelude to the next Chapter.

The night before Jack was due to return to School, after the Christmas break, his Uncle Bunny decided it was time to "talk" to him about some important matters. This was, in fact, not really Uncle Bunny's idea. It had been forced upon him by his three domineering sisters.

Jack was just getting into his bed when Uncle Bunny came in looking very serious. Jack was immediately worried as Uncle Bunny hardly ever looked serious. Uncle Bunny cleared his throat noisily and sat down on the edge of Jack's bed.

"We--I--" he began uncertainly "all thought that it was time we--I--had a talk with you about---er---growing up and all that."

"Aunt Henry's already had a talk with me" Jack said quickly "she told me she wanted my spitting to improve."

"Yes" Uncle Bunny muttered "but I want to talk about something else----things that will happen to you--as you get older--you may --erm--have been told that it makes you go mad but----."

"You mean fiddling?" Jack exclaimed cheerfully "I already know all about that."

"Well" said Uncle Bunny "don't pay any heed to people who say it makes you drool and become stupid or go mad or something. I mean, I'll be honest with you, man to man, I've done it thousands, millions of times--do I look as if it's driven me mad?"

Jack studied his Uncle carefully. He was wearing a pink dress decorated with small hand made rosebuds and a matching little hat with a pink feather in it. Jack didn't know quite what to say. He coughed and then heard himself asking "can girls do it?"

"It isn't the same" Uncle Bunny answered "females are different as you know. Think of female animals. Female humans are the same----er--similar."

"So they can't do it?" Jack persisted.

"Not really" Uncle Bunny murmured " you'll have to ask your Aunts about that."

Jack thought briefly about his Aunts and decided not to bother them. So instead he said "you see a lot of bare bodies at school, Uncle, so I know all about them."

"Oh good" said his Uncle "I'll let you sleep then. Goodnight, dear boy."

"Good night Uncle Bunny" said Jack as he lay down in his bed.

End.


	10. A new term.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys return to School and Gwen gets lost.

The main topic of conversation when the new School term started was, of course, Christmas. Every boy in the School was eager to tell every other boy of the greatness of his presents. This included Owen, Ianto and Jack. 

Owen had received, among other things, a Magic Lantern, plus numerous, mostly educational, slides. However, his oldest brother, Oswald, had thoughtfully provided him with a small selection of slides of naked women. With great difficulty, the Lantern, plus the slides, had been conveyed with Owen to School and he had already formed in his mind an idea for making money, which involved charging boys for a look at the nude females. 

Ianto proudly told them he had received no less than four new suits in the latest styles and colors. No-one was really impressed with this, although Jack tried hard to look as if the idea of new suits was seriously good news.

Jack himself had been presented with a new Pony, which he promptly christened "Dump". The Harkness family had a weird habit of naming their Animals after whatever they were doing when you first saw them. This went some way to explaining why they possessed Horses called "Bite, Kick and Toss" and Dogs called "Ripper, Threelegs, Rubber and Stiffy."

The first day back at School did not involve any lessons. The boys were supposed to settle in and unpack their belongings. Owen and Jack were not eager to unpack and Ianto had brought them all Chocolates, so they sat on the floor in their Study and ate them all at one sitting. This made them feel unwell and the usual School food didn't help. Jack and Owen spent an happy evening vomiting, while Ianto just looked green all night.

The following morning, after Breakfast, they assembled for Spitting practice. The Headmaster was disappointed at their lack of Spitting expertise and was even more upset to discover that hardly anyone at all had spat during the Christmas break, except one boy who admitted that he had spat at his sister because she took a sprout from his plate during dinner and ate it and another who had spat at his brother during an argument about Boghaven Cheese.

Spitting began in earnest and every boy there made great efforts to spit as far as possible. Jack ran out of spit quite quickly and Ianto kindly let him have some of his. This was evidently against the rules, so both boys were required to run to the Bog and back three times as punishment, in bare feet. Cheating was not an option as the Masters could tell how far a boy had run by the condition of his feet afterward. Half way there for the third time, they came across Gwen Cooper, plus Arabella.

"What awe you doing?" she shouted at them, as they ran past her. 

"Running" said Jack, hoping Gwen would not follow him.

"I can wun" said Gwen cheerfully, proving it by running after them.

Jack and Ianto sped up then in a futile attempt to outrun Gwen. This was a marked failure as they were both short of breath and Gwen was fresh and lively and driven by great determination. Eventually they all reached the edge of the Bog and sat down to rest. Gwen flopped beside them, flushed and panting and smiling. Jack and Ianto were too puffed to try to escape.

"Why awe you wunning?" Gwen asked them, beaming a happy smile at Jack.

"I gave Jack some of my spit" said Ianto truthfully.

"I have thpit" Gwen exclaimed "thhall I give you thome of mine?"

"I don't need any just now" Jack answered, trying not to look too horrified.

"I had thwee new dweththeth for Chwithtmath" Gwen told them "one ith pink, one ith blue and one ith puwple. What did you have?"

"I had a Pony" said Jack "and Ianto had new suits."

"We had lots of other things but those are the best" said Ianto.

"I went to lotht of pawtieth and everyone kiththed me" Gwen boasted. She looked pointedly at Jack. "You can kithth me if you want."

"Not just now" said Jack, quickly, "we have to hurry". He and Ianto got up as fast as they could and ran back in the direction of the School. Unfortunately, Gwen ran after them. At first she was very near them, but after around five minutes she fell behind slightly. After around about another five minutes they heard what sounded like a scream, but they ignored it and ran on. They didn't see Gwen again, much to their combined relief. The trouble was, no-one else saw her either.

In the afternoon, Mr. Hapgood attempted to teach them Algebra. Boghaven was not known for its excellence in Mathematics and Mr Hapgood was very depressed at having to ignore his "Math is fun" methods and plunge into boring things like Algebra and Geometry. The Headmaster though, despite the threat of increased monetary payments for keeping quiet about the time Mr Hapgood had found him and Matron Cooper both totally naked attempting to have sex inside a large steam boiler, was insistent.

"Now" said Mr Hapgood, with as much brightness as he could muster, which wasn't actually very much "take the following example-----The sum of two numbers is 60, and the greater is four times the less. What are the numbers?"

This cryptic question was greeted in total silence by his class. "Well" he said to them, trying to smile "here is how you do this------Let x= the less number; then 4x= the greater number, and 4x + x=60, or 5x=60; therefore x=12, and 4x=48. The numbers are 12 and 48. Isn't that great?"

This was greeted by a universal groan. Mr Hapgood tried to ignore it and plunged desperately on. "Now here are some examples you can do the same way" he continued, and proceeded to scratch them out laboriously on the blackboard while his pupils copied them painfully slowly into their books. Mr Hapgood sat back down in his chair and relaxed. He even lit his pipe. He watched the boys struggling and suddenly realized that Algebra could, in fact, be fun. Not for the boys maybe, but for him anyhow. 

Owen completed all five questions in record time and spent the rest of the lesson making darts out of the back pages in his workbook and throwing them around the room. Mr Hapgood, lost in a smoking dream world, didn't notice. Ianto finished quite speedily too and then tried to help Jack who was stuck on question two about a man buying an Horse and Carriage. Jack kept muttering that it was too expensive and Ianto said that it didn't matter, but Jack thought it did, and kept saying the man must have been very stupid. Question five irritated him too. He said that any man who walked twenty four miles in one day had to be very dim or a peasant. 

At the end of the lesson Mr Hapgood wrote the answers on the blackboard and Owen discovered his were all correct. Ianto had one wrong and Jack had one right. Jack was cross and declared that the whole lesson was a waste of time. Several other boys agreed with him. The thought of more questions about men walking for miles or buying things or dividing money in odd ways was very unappealing.

They then had to go to History with Professor Pilkington. The Professor gave them a short lecture about the very famous General, General Ripple. Everyone had heard of General Ripple of course, because, during the Battle of Pike's Peak, he had invented Ripple Gum. According to Professor Pilkington the General had been famous before this noteworthy event as he had apparently defeated a foreign army single handedly by firing various bodily products at them through a cannon when he had run out of ammunition. The fact that he had been suffering from a stomach complaint at the time was also considered important. General's never surrendered, even if they had diarrhea.

After the lecture they were required to draw something so Owen drew General Ripple with his rear inside the cannon, which was not, Professor Pilkington insisted, in good taste. Ianto drew the General chewing Ripple Gum and Jack drew a rabbit. Professor Pilkington wanted to know what the rabbit had to do with General Ripple and Jack informed him that the rabbit belonged to a friend of his and was called Ripple. Professor Pilkington was, not for the first time in his teaching career, lost for words.

During the usual Supper of bread, cheese and beer, Matron Cooper came in and informed everyone that Gwen was missing. Once again they were all required to go and look for her. Most of them didn't care very much if she was ever found but they looked everywhere anyhow because it was fun, and they were allowed to go into places normally off limits. This was how Wallace Wallace discovered one of the cellars was filled with Arnold's Best Beer and Cameron and Brown found a store of strawberry jam going to waste {in Brown's words} and spent the rest of the evening eating it.

Gwen was not found anywhere in the School so they all set off, armed with lighted Torches, to the Bog to see if she was there. She wasn't and the younger boys were then sent to bed because it was nearly 11pm. Jack cuddled up to Ianto's slightly bog smelling body and Ianto wrapped his arms about Jack and they fell asleep. In the morning Gwen had still not been found.

End of Chapter. Stay tuned for more---where is Gwen? Will the boys ever learn to love math? Etc.


	11. Boghaven Police Force.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we discover the Boghaven Police wear pink, we learn what happened the Police Chief's arm, everyone searches for Gwen and, surprisingly, the Police find her.

The following morning Gwen was still missing, so the Headmaster called in the Boghaven Police Force. This elicited great excitement among the boys, who assembled to watch the Police arrive. Four Policemen arrived, three on Horseback and one driving the Police Force's official Horse and Cart.

Boghaven Police had a very charming pink uniform. It was pink because the founder of the Police Force, one Major Trafford Pinkney, loved the color pink. It had proved therefore, quite difficult, despite high pay rates, to get men to join the Police Force, so rules for admittance were somewhat lax, although, of course, no females were allowed to join. Advertisements were placed at strategic places throughout Boghaven saying the following:

DO YOU WANT TO SERVE YOUR COMMUNITY?  
CAN YOU RUN AND CLIMB TREES?  
DO YOU HAVE AT LEAST TWO LEGS, ONE ARM AND ONE EYE?  
CAN YOU HEAR?  
DO YOU LIKE TO DRESS UP?  
DO YOU LIKE THE COLOR PINK?

Then a career in the Boghaven Police Force awaits you------JOIN TODAY.

The present Chief of Boghaven Police, known as the Chief of Boghaven Police, was one Sir Harald Greenday. He had only one arm, having lost the other in a tragic accident in the Boghaven Pie Factory when young. He had been employed to clean the machinery, which was the best available. He reached in to clean a bit of fluff off one of the machines and it snatched his arm and promptly tore it off. Screaming in pain and terror, he watched as his arm, complete with coat sleeve, was processed and put inside several pies.

No-one could tell which pies had the arm and sleeve so they were sold anyhow, along with a special note on the side of the boxes they were delivered in saying: warning, these pies may contain traces of human arm and wool coat. They were not told what to do if their pies did contain these items. There were no complaints however, as it was well known, outside Boghaven anyhow, that the inhabitants of Boghaven would literally eat anything.

The Police promptly spent all day searching the places that everyone at the School had searched already. They also interviewed a number of boys and Staff. Jack and Ianto were questioned, of course. They were careful to avoid saying that they thought they heard a scream and ignored it. As a result of their information, however, four more Police arrived and the Bog area was thoroughly searched.

While this was happening School lessons went on as usual. Jack, Ianto and Owen had Biology with Mr Capon. Mr Capon showed the boys some famous paintings which featured sheep. Owen said later that that was not Biology, it was art. Mr Capon then told the boys about the best ways to mate a sheep. This was quite interesting, although Owen insisted it was not Biology. The boys then had to draw a picture of a sheep being mated. Owen drew a very quick sketch of Mr Capon and a sheep which he passed to Ianto surreptitiously. Ianto passed it to Jack and Jack passed it on and soon all the boys were trying not to laugh.

Mr Capon was angry. "There's nothing funny about mating with a sheep" he shouted "I mean mating a sheep is not funny."

Later they had English and then History. Mr Pilkington told them the History of Boghaven Police Force, which inevitably included the story of Sir Harald Greenday's arm. They then had to write an essay on the History of the Police Force. One boy, who was not very interested in History and couldn't spell wrote:

The Chief of Boghaven Pollees is called Sir Harald Greenday. He haz 1 arm because we et the other in pize. We et hiz cote to. The Polleess were pink becuse it is nize and smart. They are heer sercin for gwen becuse she is lost. I hoppe they dont find her becuse wen I saw her she stamed on my fooot. Al I did was spit on her becuse it waz spit praktiz.

Owen wrote three pages in total. Most of them were about his Uncle Frederick Roehampton who was actually in the Police Force and had won a medal for rescuing a man and his dog from being killed by the famous Boghaven Pirate, Captain Red Eye.

Ianto wrote six pages, repeating almost word for word what Mr Pilkington had just said. Mr Pilkington was most impressed with this and gave Ianto full marks.

Jack wrote one page and spent the rest of the lesson watching other boys write. His effort described the time one of Rough House's stable boys had set fire to several hay stacks and had been charged with malicious damage to hay stacks. He had spent six weeks in prison and had been released when he managed to set fire to his cell by rubbing two sticks together for ten hours. Evidently, keeping him in Prison longer was considered a danger to the other prisoners. To complete his punishment he was required to go to work in Boghaven Castle Home Farm looking after the pigs.

As Owen, Ianto and Jack struggled over their Latin Prep later that day, Owen suggested that maybe Captain Red Eye had captured Gwen. Jack thought that idea was very funny but Ianto thought it might be true and said they ought to tell the Police. When the boys had finished their Prep they found the Police having Dinner in the Staff Dining Room. They hovered around and were totally ignored, so eventually Owen shouted:

"I think Gwen's been captured by Captain Red Eye!"

One of the Policemen then stopped eating and looked at the boys. "What makes you think that?" he asked.

"I heard he was in Boghaven" said Owen, which was totally untrue "and looking for recruits for his ship."

This resulted in all the Policemen stopping eating and, after a brief, mostly whispered, conversion, they got up and rushed out of the Dining Room. Owen, Ianto and Jack were most impressed with their speed and apparent determination.

"I think I'll become a Policeman" said Ianto, looking dreamily at the said Police's departing forms "I love their pink uniforms."

Owen sighed. "As if anyone would want Gwen on their ship" he moaned "our Police are stupid."

"That's why they need me" said Ianto "I'd become Chief in no time at all."

"No you wouldn't" said Owen "you'd have to start at the bottom like everyone else and work up slowly."

"Where do you think Gwen is?" asked Jack, changing the subject before Owen and Ianto started to argue.

"She's probably in Town, chasing a boy" said Owen, and laughed.

They went down to supper and found they were at Kirkcaldy Fife's table again, which meant that there was a lot of hammer banging as the boys whispered to each other about the missing Gwen. When all the bread and cheese was eaten and the beer drunk, Wallace Wallace said they should say a prayer for Gwen's safe return. They all stood up and bowed their heads as Wallace solemnly intoned "Dear Lord, please help Gwen to find her way home------erm---thanks. Amen."

They then had to go to bed. As usual, as soon as the lights were out, Jack squashed into bed with Ianto. "D'you think she's dead?" he whispered in Ianto's left ear.

"Who'd kill HER?" Ianto responded.

"I don't mean someone'd kill her" Jack explained "I mean she might have fallen in something, she seems to be good at that."

Ianto suddenly gave a loud gasp. "OH!" he cried out loudly "I've just had a thought. There's that very wet bit of bog by Yip's Stream. Suppose she's fallen in that. We passed it and she was following us."

"She's probably drowned then" Jack intoned slowly "we'll have to have a funeral."

"We have to tell the Police" Ianto said.

"We aren't allowed out after lights out" Jack pointed out.

"This is an emergency" said Ianto, sitting up and getting out of his bed. The two boys managed to creep out of their dormitory without bother and went to search for the Police. They found one of them fast asleep at the bottom of their staircase. He was snoring loudly. They left him and found two more playing cards just along the corridor. They were seated on the floor drinking what looked like Beer and making a good deal of noise.

Jack and Ianto stood in front of them and said loudly together "Yip's Stream."

The two Policeman jumped to their feet, somewhat slowly in one case as he had only one leg, the other being made of wood, and said together " Oh hell, Yip's Stream." They hurried to get their comrades, followed by Jack and Ianto.

The Policemen in charge of the search was Sergeant Walter Browbody. He was in the Staff Dining Room with the Headmaster, who had a Kitchen maid sitting on his knees, feeding him toffee by hand. The Headmaster spotted Jack and Ianto and sent them back to their dormitory immediately. They were not pleased.

"I wanted to go with them" moaned Jack, as he and Ianto climbed back into Ianto's bed together. 

"Not in nightshirts" said Ianto.

Jack gave a sigh. "Why is it called Yip's Stream anyhow?" he asked sleepily.

"I think someone called Yip drowned in it" Ianto said "I've heard his spirit haunts the place. Moaning and dripping water everywhere it goes."

Jack laughed. "I'd like to see that" he muttered as he closed his eyes.

"Me too" Ianto replied.

The Police went to Yip's Stream taking lighted torches and found no trace of Gwen. What they did find was a very dirty man sitting with his feet in the stream drinking methylated Spirits and singing loudly and off key. They asked him if he'd seen Gwen, describing her carefully.

"Fished her out" said the man, farting loudly several times in succession "she went with me friend Jimmy, dint she." He smiled at them, revealing a total lack of teeth. "She have some foul mouth on her" he added cheerfully.

"Where did they go?" asked Sergeant Browbody, who was quite fit but had only one eye, and wore a patch over the other. His wife made the patches. This one was red with purple stripes.

"Jimmy likes pies" said the man "they went to get some. If you go to pie factory late they give you pies for nothing." 

The Policemen hurried to Boghaven Pie Factory which operated under the slogan "Boghaven Pie Factory--we NEVER close." The Factory was in the process of making Cheese and Chicken Pies and was very busy. There were people everywhere and the machinery was clanging and crashing and whirring. Sergeant Browbody found the Main Office and a search was started. 

One of the Machine operators told them he had found something odd in his vat of cheese which proved to be what looked like Doll Clothing. A large number of people climbed up and looked into the vat but could see nothing but hot molten cheese. Policeman Corbin Wethammer fell into the vat and had to be retrieved but he found no trace of Gwen while he was in there.

Finally, the owner of the factory, Sir Reginald Bigwitten, arrived to see what was happening and why work had ceased and no pies were being produced. Sir Reginald had been knighted for services to Pies and had three sons, all at Boghaven School. He was particularly irritated because a large crowd of people had assembled outside the factory and had awakened him by shouting for their free pies. The Police went to see if Gwen was in the crowd. She wasn't, but according to several of the folk waiting, she had been, but had left with a tall man with red hair.

Presuming that this was the elusive Jimmy, the Police went back to Yip's Stream and finally discovered Gwen. She was dressed in a large dirty brown shirt and was sitting with her feet in the stream singing, along with her two male companions. She had a large bump on her forehead.

"Gwen Cooper" said Sergeant Browbody "we've been searching for you. You must come back to the School now. Your Mother is waiting."

"Don't know what you'we on about" Gwen responded " I don't have no Mothew an' I'm thtaying hewe."

"Leave her be" said Jimmy "she's enjoying herself."

"Jutht 'eff off" said Gwen.

" We have our orders" intoned the Sergeant solomly "you must come with us."

"I aint comin' with you bloody uthelethth buggewth" Gwen shouted, jumping to her feet and butting the Sergeant in the stomach with her head. He grabbed hold of her, and, shouting and screaming, she was conveyed to the Official Horse and Cart. Gwen was finally delivered, dirty, swearing horribly and tied up with rope, to her waiting Mother. 

The following morning, Gwen's escapade was the talk of the School, and Matron Cooper had two black eyes and a swollen nose.


	12. A sink of iniquity, I mean a den, I think.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doctor Frankinsense cures Gwen, Spring arrives, Ianto and Jack discover a new and fun activity, The Headmaster gives a chaotic lecture, the boys try drinking and smoking.

Gwen's little escapade soon became known as the Gwen affair and all the boys at Boghaven School thought it was great fun to have a girl in their midst who could actually fight, spit and swear. Matron Cooper however, and the School staff, didn't think it was fun and so Matron Cooper, faced with a child who either didn't know her or just loathed her, sent for Boghaven's most famous Doctor. 

Doctor Frankinsense was famous throughout Boghaven for curing the Queen of a serious case of persistent hiccups. He also frequented Boghaven's Graveyards and had been observed more than once digging up graves and bearing away various odd body parts, such as legs, arms and once even a head. The Police had been informed but had never managed to catch the Doctor "at it" as he had an informant in the Police Force who let him know when they were coming.

The Doctor gave Gwen a quick look over, during which she bit his arm and spat in his eye, and then prescribed cold baths. Then he shouted "Oh look at that" and pointed to a window, and while they were looking he hit Gwen over the head very quickly with his Medical bag. She crumbled to the floor with a sigh and Doctor Frankinsense collected his fee and left swiftly before she woke up again. Unbelievably, when she did awake some two hours later, she had returned to what passed for normal in the Cooper family.

Life went on in Boghaven and finally Spring approached and the boys were encouraged to go outside to study instead of, in the Headmaster's words, cowering in their studies in the warm. Having to do their prep out in a field in quite low temperatures was not very enjoyable and anyhow it was hard to write in ink while wearing gloves. The boys were not happy. They huddled together in little groups scratching away with their pens and moaning, their task enlivened by having to avoid things like rabbit droppings and curious sheep.

As a treat now and again the cooks gave the boys omelet and chipped potatoes for lunch instead of their usual fare. The things the cooks could do with eggs was quite amazing. So amazing in fact that most of the boys didn't even know they were eating eggs. As for the potatoes, they were just about recognizable. The boys ate everything they could and made models with the remainder. It was well known that the famous Boghaven architect, Lord Paul Houser, had begun his career making models of buildings with Boghaven School food. His famous Temple of the Four Winds, which stood in Boghaven City, had originally been designed in Boghaven porridge.

The afternoons were spent practicing spitting and playing Bog Tennis. Mr Sato was very fond of Bog Tennis and watching the boys struggling in the bog and getting covered in mud made him very happy indeed. As for the boys, it gave some of them the opportunity to kick and maul without penalties. When Mr Sato decided the game was over the boys were allowed to return to School to wash and then they were sent outside again to do their prep in the fresh air. After that came Supper and bed.

One night, while cuddled together in bed, Ianto and Jack discovered a new and fun activity. Instead of rubbing a certain part of their anatomy on the bed itself they rubbed against each other. This was so wonderful that they did it every time they went to bed. They were quite noisy and, inevitably, were caught by the Dormitory prefect one night. Unfortunately this fun activity was known to be practiced by a large number of other boys so the Headmaster decided, instead of singling out all the guilty boys, about a third of the School at least, he would give a talk to the whole School about the "sins of the flesh".

"I will not stand idly by and let this School with its fine traditions turn into a sink of iniquity" the Headmaster shouted at the assembled boys. He paused dramatically and at that point a boy near the back of the hall shouted out "I haven't heard of sinks of iniquity, Sir, are they made by the Boghaven Superior Plumbing Factory?" The Headmaster thought about this for a moment and then said "I didn't mean sink I meant den." This created more confusion of course.

"What's he talking about? Jack asked Ianto, who was sitting next to him.

"I think he's telling us to buy Boghaven Superior Sinks and not any other kind" said Ianto, after a moment of thought.

"He said he didn't mean sink he meant den" Owen pointed out.

"It's all rubbish" said Pettigrew Minimus, who was sitting by Owen.

"I've heard of den's of iniquity" said Owen "they go there and smoke and drink whiskey and sing bawdy songs. They have women too."

"Whatever for?" asked Pettigrew.

"They dance with no clothes on and sing" said Owen vaguely "I think".

"We don't do any of that" Jack protested "I mean, we don't drink or smoke or see women dancing naked."

"I can get smokes for us try and whiskey too" said Pettigrew Minimus, whose given name was Barney, but who was always called Charley "my oldest Brother works for the brewery, he's in charge of quality control."

"Good idea" said Owen, enthusiastically, "get them Charley and we'll all try them, after all, the Headmaster thinks we've tried them already so we may as well really try them."

Around the Hall there was a buzz of confused conversation so the Headmaster shouted for order, at which point one boy told another boy his mother was a den of iniquity and the boy punched him in the eye and a fight started. Other boys joined in because that's what you did when a fight started. Some of the prefects attempted to regain order but gave up when they were attacked and before very long the entire hall was a scene of utter chaos.

Mr Hapgood, Mr Sato, Mr Green, Mr Bird, Mr Brown, Professor Pilkington, Mr Donaldson, Mr Capon, Sergeant Major Tripple, Matron Cooper and a variety of cooks and other servants gathered together outside the Hall door and had a brief discussion on what to do about the fighting. Tosh and Gwen arrived at that moment and Gwen wanted to go in and help with the fight but Tosh suggested that they all went away and let everyone get on with it, so they did, as none of them really had a clue about what to do anyhow.

Sooner or later all good things come to an end, and thus, after about a half hour, the fight in the School hall came to a close. It was generally agreed, as the boys left, licking their wounds, that it had been one of the best fights in the school for a long time. The Headmaster had, unfortunately, missed most of it, as right at the start he had fallen off the stage and knocked himself unconscious and only awoke some time later when everyone had gone.

Two days later Charley Pettigrew announced that he had obtained the requisite items to turn Owen, Ianto and Jack's study into a Den of Iniquity and that very evening the four boys did their prep ten times faster than usual and gathered for the momentous event. They decided to try the cigarettes first, so they sat on the floor and Charley handed them out.

"These are Boghaven rough Cut" Charley explained as they sniffed the items carefully "they're the best, my brother said."

"They smell horrible" said Ianto.

"Cigarettes are supposed to smell like that" said Charley "if you want something that smells nice you have to get a cigar and my brother couldn't get any."

"Let's light up and get on with it" Owen grumbled "I want to smoke, not talk, I can talk any time."

Charley produced a match and struck it against the bottom of his right boot. It flared up and he lit his cigarette and puffed it dramatically. Owen lit his from Charley's and Ianto and Jack followed. Soon all four of them were puffing smoke all over the room. Everything was fine for at least a minute and then Ianto started to cough and turn a very odd color. Jack soon began to cough as well, followed by Charley. Ianto stubbed his cigarette out against his boot and tried not to vomit without any success. He rushed from the room, closely followed by Jack and then Charley. 

Owen swallowed bravely as he put out his own cigarette. "I don't feel sick at all" he said to the empty room "I could smoke a lot more but I wont just now."

Some time later, just before Supper, the boys tried the Whiskey. It burned their throats and made them cough some more and then they all had to retreat to the Water Closets. Not to be sick they all insisted later, but for the usual reason. Once back in the Study they each sipped a mouthful of Whiskey as they passed the bottle around. They all tried to swallow as little as possible. 

"This is good" said Owen "if only we had some dancing girls it would be great."

"I can dance" said Charley. He stood up, with some difficulty, and began to sway. He soon stopped and was quite alarmed when the room continued to sway around him. He swallowed hard and flopped back down onto the floor. "There's something wrong with this room" he announced, taking another sip of Whiskey.

"It looks alright to me" said Jack "except the walls are a bit crooked. I never noticed that before."

Owen had the Whiskey next and he got up, still holding the bottle and put it on a shelf. "We have to go to supper soon" he announced "and we can't smell of Whiskey."

Ianto sniffed Jack and Jack sniffed Ianto in return. They both started to giggle. Charley sniffed the air and began to laugh as well. Owen glared at them all and sat back down on the floor beside Charley. " You're drunk" he snapped, and got up again, wobbling slightly "I'm the only person sober in this roof."

"You said roof" Jack pointed out, laughing hysterically.

"I did not" shouted Owen, holding his head, which was starting to feel rather odd. At that inopportune moment the Bell rang for Supper.

"Oh help" said Ianto "that's Supper."

Charley, Ianto and Jack got up off the floor, which no longer seemed to be flat, but was sloping in a frightening way, and followed Owen out of the door. It appeared to them all that Supper was no longer being held in the usual place, as it seemed to take ages to get there. They finally flopped into the Hall and squashed on the end of Kirkcaldy Fife's table. 

Kirkcaldy glared at them and banged the table with his hammer. Ianto started to cry and said his head hurt. Beer, bread and cheese was already being eaten so Kirkcaldy banged his hammer again. Ianto wiped his nose on his sleeve and sniffed hard. The four boys nibbled daintily on their Supper. Owen broke wind very loudly and several boys laughed. Kirkcaldy banged his hammer yet again. It was not a happy meal.

After the food was eaten everyone sang. The singing was as dire as usual, not helped by Wallace Wallace singing, very loudly, as a solo, "The Man that broke the Bank at Monte Carlo". After that, James Patterson Minor had to negotiate the famous beam. He was rather fat and seeing him naked crawling across the beam was, Owen declared much later, one of the most hideous things he had ever seen in his life. Being able to throw cheese and bread at him was fun though and Owen, Ianto, Jack and Charley had a lot of cheese to throw and it made them feel much better too.

They each privately decided however, that they were not quite ready for a real Den of Iniquity. Not if it involved smoking and drinking, anyhow. However, the thought of seeing women dancing naked seemed worth trying, although they didn't know how to go about getting a woman to dance naked, or even to dance for them fully clothed, and although Toshiko naked seemed as if it might be enjoyable, the thought of Gwen naked was rather unpleasant, and the prospect of trying to get a female servant or cook to strip didn't seem possible.

As Jack and Ianto cuddled together in bed later that night, tired after their usual nightly routine, Jack started to think about women. Naked women. Dancing naked women. He confessed his thoughts to Ianto who said he was thinking about naked dancing too. In his case though it was Jack that was doing the dancing. After all he had seen Jack naked but his experience of naked women was limited to catching a glimpse of Molly McDaniel, one of his family servants, washing her bare legs, and he had had to peer through a keyhole to see that. They slipped into a peaceful sleep and Jack dreamt he was flying. It made him dizzy and when he awoke the next morning he made a private vow never to drink alcohol again EVER.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming soon--Spring festival-- Boghaven style.


	13. Spring Festival.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spring arrives, The Boghaven City Band marches, the boys are warned not to waste sap and Gwen has another accident.

Spring at last came to Boghaven. Trees, bare all Winter, were covered in leaves blowing prettily in the breeze, little Lambs were gambling happily in the fields, spring flowers fluttered and danced in the meadows, people started to sing and whistle while they worked and Spring Festival arrived with all its excitement and grandeur.

Spring Festival lasted throughout the entire month of April. It had originated back in Boghaven's dim and distant past when some Queen or other had decided that Spring should be celebrated and the celebration should be longer than anyone else's celebration. 

The Festival started every year with The Boghaven City Band marching through the streets of the City playing, over and over again, Boghaven's traditional Anthem, "Boghaven Forever". People lining the streets to watch were given free flags to wave and were encouraged to sing while the Band played. Unfortunately, The Boghaven City Band only played while marching once a year and the crowds that turned out to watch them were only to well aware of this fact. The Band were not very good at playing or marching and certainly doing these two things at the same time was slightly beyond them.

At the front of the Band marched a girl, specially chosen each year, twirling a long metal pole which was called the Band Pole. The girl had to march backwards which was not easy even with practice. In previous years she had dropped the pole, tossed it into the crowd injuring several spectators and fallen down numerous times. One exciting year she had dropped the Pole and then tripped over it and the entire band had marched on and bumped into her and fallen down one after the other. The crowd watching loved it.

After the thrill of the Band the entire crowd were encouraged to attend the opening of the Festival Fayre, which lasted all the month and took place in the grounds of Boghaven Cathedral. Stalls were set up before the Festival started and, before the Band began to march, everyone who had something to sell and could pay the required fee for a stall was allowed into the Cathedral Precinct to claim a space. At one time they had been all allowed in at once which had resulted in a mad free for all, as everyone wanted the best positioned stalls. This had been stopped, as one year there had been a riot and a number of people had been killed or injured. Now they were allowed in two or three at a time and had to line up sensibly by the main gate first.

During the Festival a number of artistic events took place. The Town Hall had an Art Exhibition and each evening there was a Concert or two to attend. Outside the Town Hall was a large grassed over area called the Green and, each Saturday throughout the month, children from the various Boghaven schools danced around a Maypole, except, since it was April, Boghaven called it an April Pole. Each Sunday the adults had their turn and, at the end of the month, votes were cast as to who was best, the adults or the children. The children always won and every child who had performed was given a box of Boghaven Toffee, which ruined their teeth and was so hard to eat it was used by the lower classes as glue.

The Festival finished with the Traditional "Great Spit". To take part you had to be over 12 years of age, and a resident of Boghaven as well as paying a fee. The fee wasn't a fixed amount and the money was donated to Festival Funds. You had to apply to take part in March and were then divided into a number of classes according to age and amount of money donated. Each class ascended Boghaven Cathedral Tower and leaned over the parapet and spat. Part of the way down the Tower a tarpaulin had been affixed and the idea was you spat into that. Most people missed. Boghaven Police force were supposed to ensure fair play and no cheating. Unfortunately, there were never enough Police to do this as a great many of them were not fit enough to climb the Tower. After everyone had spat, the Police voted the best spitter in each class and the winners were given a box of Boghaven Toffee. 

The "Great Spit" originated in a well documented Boghaven event. In 1564, Boghaven City had been attacked by a vast robber band called "Robin's Band of Buggers". Robin's Band lived in the Bogs of Boghaven and stole from everyone, rich and poor alike. By 1564 there were over five hundred of them, all men, hence the Buggers in their name. One day in June they marched on the City and the Boghaven Guard were powerless against them. They eventually arrived at Boghaven Cathedral and gathered around the Tower, where the entire Boghaven religious community, some twenty priests, were sheltering. The story was that the Boghaven priests went to the top of the tower and spat down on the gathered robber band. Their spittle was so thick and there was so much of it that, after Robin himself was blinded by some spittle landing in both his eyes, the robbers retreated back to the Bogs in a state of disarray. Everyone who told the story of course neglected to mention that the priests had tipped several vats of boiling oil over the robbers before they spat at them. Spitting, as a result of this action, was forbidden for years to everyone but priests. The prevalence of spitting by everyone in Boghaven only arose during the time of Queen Bruce 15th.

At Boghaven School, the arrival of the Festival was heralded by the Headmaster giving his annual "The Sap is Rising" speech to the entire School. Boys who had heard the speech before brought books in with them to read while the Headmaster spoke. The boys who had arrived the previous September, unaware of their fate, just came as they were. The Headmaster affixed the assembled boys with what he thought was a steely stare, but which in reality just made him look slightly insane, and started his speech.

"Spring has come" the Headmaster shouted at the boys "and when Spring arrives---what happens?" Before he could say what happened a boy near the front, sitting next to Jack, shouted "my Mother jumps in our lake. She only does that when Spring begins." While everyone contemplated Jackson Jackson Brown's Mother, and wondered if she jumped in the Lake clothed or naked, the Headmaster continued. "THE SAP RISES" shouted the Headmaster in a tone he hoped was full of meaning "and we all know what that means. We get a restless feeling in our------a restless feeling and urges to do things that we have been told NEVER TO DO."

"What's he talking about?" Jack hissed to Ianto, who was, as usual, sitting next to him, Brown being on his other side.

"Sap" Ianto answered "everyone knows what sap is."

"We must resist the urge to give in to these feelings" continued the Headmaster "Sap must not be wasted on frivolities. It must be treated with loving care. It is needed so don't waste it. I've seen boys and men who have wasted their sap and it isn't a pleasant sight. When you are tempted don't give in, try a nice run over Boghaven hills wearing nothing but games knickers or climb one of our magnificent hills in bare feet or go for a swim in one of our fine cold lakes. After that you'll have no energy to even think about sap."

The Headmaster rambled away for nearly an half hour in a similar fashion, while his audience grew more and more restless. Several of the youngest boys complained that they had no sap to waste and one boy said he thought only plants had sap. Some of the oldest boys at the back of the hall started a rather noisy card game. One or two fell asleep. Owen said that talking about sap made him think about wasting some on frivolities. Two boys sitting near him said they couldn't even spell frivolities and had certainly never had any.

All good things come to an end and at length the boys were released and told to go away and think. The Headmaster didn't tell them what to think about, so a number of the older boys retreated to the School Gymnasium and proceed to have an orgy, involving a lengthy game of Strip Poker and a large amount of fresh butter they stole from the Kitchen. Jack, Ianto, Owen and Charley went to Jack, Ianto and Owen's Study and thought about sap. 

"Why does he call it sap?" Charley wanted to know.

"My oldest brother calls it jism" said Owen "and he knows everything about it too."

"If you waste it you go mad though" said Charley "everyone says so."

"My Uncle Bunny told me that's not true" Jack muttered.

"Why does everyone tell you that then?" asked Charley.

"Because they don't want us to have fun" Ianto said "they just want us to run and climb and learn lessons."

"We can do all that and have fun" said Owen "at least, I can."

"We have a lot of fun" said Ianto, looking at Jack.

"Yes" Jack agreed "mostly in bed though."

"I've never had ANY fun in bed ever" Charley complained.

Owen winked at him. "I'll show you how to have fun in bed tonight" he said, grinning.

Charley looked worried. "Suppose we make a noise?" he asked "what will happen to us?"

"Nothing at all" Owen grunted "everyone else will be making a lot of noise as well."

The following morning the entire School were given a free day so they could attend the opening day of the Festival. Jack, Ianto, Owen, and a somewhat tired looking Charley pushed their way to the front of the crowd in Timothy Square in Boghaven City and waited for the arrival of the Band. Soon a voice from the throng was heard to shout "they're coming." Everyone waved their flags as the Band appeared around the bend in the road and finally they were in Timothy Square. As the Band approached the main part of the Square everyone burst into a spirited and off key rendition of "Boghaven Forever" which was so horrendous several people in the crowd had nightmares about it later, and one man actually had a nervous collapse and had to be removed by the First Aid Brigade.

The girl in front of the band that year was one Allison Greybeard. She was fourteen years old and very tall and thin. She had found twirling the heavy metal Band Pole very difficult and so, by the time she reached Timothy Square, she was simply dragging it along the ground most of the time. This was unfortunate as, when the Band finally reached the very center of the Square, two trumpet players tripped over the Pole and one of them accidentally threw his trumpet up into the air and it came down on Allison's left foot. She dropped the Pole and screamed, jumping up and down, clutching her foot. The rest of the Band, who had been told on pain of death to not stop marching for anything, marched on, treading on both trumpet players and their instruments and both of Allison's feet on the way. Meanwhile the people in the square, many of whom couldn't see anything at all of the Band due to the crowds, sang and waved on. Jack and his friends were most impressed, especially as the fallen band players never stopped playing even when they were on the ground. 

Finally the Band struggled back upright and marched on, with Allison, bravely limping and dragging the Band pole, in front. The injured trumpet players resumed their places, blood stained as they were, and the Band disappeared out of sight to cheers of appreciation from their audience. It was a stirring moment typical of what people called the Boghaven Spirit. It was always said that you had to be born in Boghaven to really understand the people. Most outsiders merely thought that Boghaveners were idiots.

After all this excitement everyone was supposed to head to the Cathedral grounds for the Fayre. A great many of them however, headed for the Boghaven Brewery which was having an open day. Jack, Ianto, Owen and Charley followed everyone to the Brewery and soon found themselves in a huge crowd gathered at the entrance gates. Just before a number of people were crushed to death the gates were opened and the throng descended on tables set out with free samples of Boghaven Beer. By the time Jack and his friends arrived at one of the tables all the Beer had gone, but they were given some free water to drink instead. After that they trailed somewhat disconsolately to the Cathedral grounds for the Fayre. As they went into the grounds and looked about them one of the first things they saw was a certain Gwen Cooper, dressed as a fairy. She was holding a bottle of Boghaven Beer. 

The affect of this was that they all decided to run as far away from Gwen as possible. Unfortunately, the Cathedral Grounds were very crowded and Gwen, despite her size, was a very good runner. She caught up with them by the Boghaven Toffee Tent, which, of course, was not very busy.

"Jack" Gwen exclaimed, ignoring Owen, Ianto and Charley completely, "didn't you thee me?"

"I didn't know it was you" Jack stammered "you look so------er-------different."

Gwen promptly did a twirl, a frightening experience as she was dressed from head to foot in pink and had a pair of large pink furry wings fixed to her back. As she twirled, one of her wings hit a tray of Boghaven toffee, which was being held by a short, fat peasant. The tray fell to the ground and, as the peasant bent, swearing loudly, to pick it up, his head banged Gwen on the nose. Gwen's nose started to bleed and the blood dripped decorously onto the toffee. Gwen screamed and so did the toffee seller as his toffee fell onto the ground and got covered in blood.

The ingredients of Boghaven toffee were a deep and long held secret, but it was fairly certain that blood probably wasn't one of them. The peasant started to pick up his toffee but first, still swearing, he banged Gwen on the head with the tray. This produced more blood and lots more screaming. A crowd of interested onlookers assembled plus several members of the First Aid Brigade. 

"He made my nothe bleed" Gwen screamed, pointing at the distraught toffee seller "and then he hit me ovew the head with a tway." 

"She be a demon" said the toffee seller "she be hitting me with her wings."

"I'm not a demon" sobbed Gwen "I'm a faiwy."

"Come with us dear" said one of the First Aiders "and we'll help you."

They led her away, still sobbing that she was a faiwy. During the ensuing chaos Jack and his friends managed to escape. No-one paid any attention to them as they squeezed through the watching crowd and ran off. Some moments later they arrived at a tent marked "See Boghaven's only fat, bearded lady, one penny." A man was marching up and down outside the tent with a placard reading:

See  
the  
fat  
bea  
rde  
dla  
dy

A small crowd of peasants were following the placard holder trying to read what was on his board. Schooling in Boghaven was not compulsory but anyone could go if they could pay one penny a week. Most of the peasants couldn't afford it. However, if they had a spare penny they sent a child off to School for that week. Thus, most peasants were illiterate.

"I don't want to see a fat lady with a beard" Ianto complained "I've seen one before. My Aunt Hazel is HUGE and she has a beard and a mustache and I can see her for nothing. I want to go on the Helter Skelter and the Swing Boats."

"Last time I went on the Swing Boats I was sick all over my Father" said Charley "I want to see a fat lady with a beard."

"Charley and me'll go to see the fat lady and you two can go on the Swing Boats and Helter Skelter" Owen suggested.

"Alright" said Ianto "come on Jack."

The rest of the day passed in a haze of pleasure. After the fun of the Helter Skelter, Swing Boats and Carousels, Jack and Ianto watched some Fire-Eaters, acrobats and clowns. They ate toffee-apples and candy floss, and Jack won a coconut. Finally, as it began to grow dark, they watched the Jugglers and Stilt-walkers and at last they began the long walk back to School. Boghaven was not lighted at night and getting back to School through the blackness took a very long time.

Due to the free day the boys of Boghaven School were not given Supper. They had to go to the Kitchens and collect a jug of beer, a piece of cheese and a large hard roll known as a Boghaven lump. They had to then eat in their studies and go straight to bed afterward. Jack and Ianto found Owen was already in their study, eating his cheese and lump.

Jack put his coconut down on the table with a sign of relief. "I've carried that all the way home" he complained "and it weighs a ton."

"I carried it some of the time" Ianto pointed out as he sat down at the table.

"Well" said Jack slowly "I carried it most of the time."

"Charley and me had a great time" said Owen "we saw the bearded lady and we saw a man with two heads as well."

"Two heads?" gasped Ianto.

"He had three legs too" Owen informed them.

"I wonder what it's like to have three legs" Jack muttered idly, chewing on his lump.

"You'd have to have special trousers made" said Ianto "or leave one hanging out all the time."

"Bit cold in the winter" Owen laughed.

"One of my Uncles has twelve fingers" Ianto told them "he told me they get in the way."

"Is he related to your fat Aunt?" Jack asked.

"He's her husband" said Ianto "they've got a son called Heston. He'll be coming here next year."

"Has he got anything extra?" asked Owen.

"No" said Ianto "he's quite normal."

"Pity" said Owen.

At that moment a bell rang and the Dormitory Monitor stuck his head around the study door and shouted "you revolting sprogs should be in bed. Didn't you hear the bell? Stop stuffing your faces and go to bed---now."

Jack put his half eaten lump down on the table with a sigh of pleasure {as eating it was proving to be very difficult} and quickly guzzled down his entire jug of beer. Ianto stuffed a large piece of cheese in his mouth and washed it down with several gulps of his own beer. They then retired for the night. School would carry on as normal for most of the rest of the month with occasional educational trips to see things like Art exhibitions until the day of the Great Spit, when they would be free again.

The day Of the Great Spit finally arrived and, after breakfast, the entire School were let out to go to the City for the occasion. The younger boys didn't even have to do their run, although the porridge was just as uneatable as usual. The day always started with the Elite Spitters of the Boghaven Army performing a synchronized spit. Captain Atlas Wheeze was in command of the team. He was a tall handsome man with a mass of red hair and at least half the females in Boghaven were madly in love with him. He had been married six times and was known to have fathered at least twenty children before he was thirty, so every female had good reason to believe they had a chance at snaring him, even if it was only temporarily.

Ianto, Jack, Charley and Owen got to the Town Square just in time to see the end of the synchronized spitting display. Captain Atlas ended the display by spitting a prodigious distance of forty -two feet, to the wild excitement of the crowd. Several women fainted from the thrill of it all and had to be given first aid.

"I wish I could spit like that" mused Jack, as applause and cheers rang out over the square.

"We don't get enough practice" Owen complained "too busy doing Latin and Mathematics and other boring things."

"Never mind that" said Charley "let's go and see the new monument." 

"You mean the one to Sir Aniseed Bellshasm?" said Owen.

"Yes" said Charley "I haven't seen it yet."

The monument in question was new to Boghaven and commemorated the man who, according to legend, had introduced spitting as a sport to France. He had set out in a boat one day intending to go to the Isle of Wight but had gone wrong and ended up in Calais where he somehow or other, no-one knew quite how, had introduced competitive spitting to the French. Evidently the French spat a great deal but had never, before that time anyhow, thought of it as a sport.

The new Monument was situated outside Boghaven's Central Library. It was as tall as the Library itself and showed a naked man, with a carefully placed fig leaf, his lips pursed ready to spit. On the plinth read the words: Sir Aniseed Bellshasm. He showed the French how to spit. Rest in peace. Placed here by the Boghaven Singing Spitters Society.

"Can you really sing and spit at the same time?" Ianto asked, as they read the inscription.

"I think they probably do it alternately" said Owen.

Since the last day of this particular month was a Saturday they decided to go and see the April Pole dancing. It was the turn of the Boghaven School for Wayward Girls to dance. They wore a uniform which consisted of a long grey skirt covered in a pattern meant to represent autumn leaves, plus a short grey jacket and heavy black boots. They particularly loved the boots as they were great for kicking things. To prevent them attempting to run away instead of dancing, the Elite Spitters of the Boghaven Army were there to guard them while they performed.

Skipping around a pole was not something that most wayward girls aspired to and so they clumped around the pole getting their ribbons all tangled and swearing and spitting at each other and kicking anything they could reach with their heavy boots. It was, actually, a surprisingly enjoyable spectacle, especially when one very large wayward girl fell over and almost got strangled by her ribbon. The display ended abruptly when the girls discovered that none of them could move.

After that piece of unexpected fun the crowd got to see the Boghaven Hangmen try to hang two criminals. As the crowd gathered to hear the crimes of the poor unfortunates men could be seen selling candy images of them complete with a noose around each neck. This took place in Market square and there was such a crush of people there that Jack and his friends couldn't see anything at all, but they did manage to buy some candied hanged men. 

As it happened the hanging didn't take place because just as the hangmen were about to kick away the stools the criminals were standing on the entire scaffold collapsed. The chief hangman struggled up out of the rubble and announced that the hanging would take place some other day. A number of people in the watching crowd cheered and both of the criminals actually escaped by hiding under the rubble until everyone had drifted off to see other attractions, including the hangmen.

After lunch everyone went to the Cathedral for the Great Spit.

Jack, Ianto, Owen and Charley were all in the same spitting class, which was class three. After classes one and two had ascended the Tower and spat, they rushed to join the already long line for class three to do their spitting. Only a certain number of people were allowed up the Tower at one time because of crush problems. Evidently it had taken the organizers some time to discover that letting everyone rush to spit at the same time was dangerous. {The Big Crush was an event renowned throughout Boghaven as the year when several hundred people were crushed to death while trying to climb the Tower to spit, all at the same time.}

The queue was being supervised by two of Boghaven Cities Policeman, namely Peter and Another Hobbs. For some reason no-one really understood all the males in the Hobbs family were named Peter. The confusion this caused didn't seem to bother anyone. Peter Hobbs joined the Police and two years later his younger brother Peter joined. When he went to be interviewed to see if he was suitable {they took almost anyone in the Boghaven Police even men with only one leg or arm} he announced that his name was Peter Hobbs. The interviewer then said loudly "not another bloody Peter Hobbs" as the Peter in question had just become famous for shooting his commanding officer in the hip during maneuvers, giving him a permanent limp. Thus the younger brother became known as Another Hobbs.

The two Policemen were supposed to ensure that the folk in the queue didn't push each other or spit at each other, wasting spit was almost a crime in Boghaven, or generally cheat in some way. However, they were just just standing smoking Boghaven's excellent cigarettes which smelled foul and made everyone cough, so they didn't actually notice anything, which was just as well for some of the queue as it happened.

Jack found himself standing next to Gwen Cooper in the queue, which was a big surprise as her birthday was in June and she would be eleven then.

"Why are you here?" he asked her "you're too young to spit."

"They don't know that" said Gwen, looking smug "I told them I wath twelve."

"You wont be able to lean over the parapet far enough to do a decent spit" Jack told her, as the queue slowly began to move forward.

"I can thpit jutht ath good ath anyone" Gwen told him.

"I bet you can't do it" Jack said in irritation. Everywhere he went he thought, Gwen appeared. He couldn't even spit in peace.

"I bet you I can" said Gwen "I bet you I can thpit bettew than you."

"I bet you can't" said Jack.

"I bet I can" Gwen responded.

They were still arguing when they reached the foot of the Tower and began to climb up the steps. Folk who had already spat were coming down on the outside of the stairs so you had to be very careful as you climbed up. This had, naturally, caused problems in the past and one year there had been a big fight when a man called Bigger Mack pushed his younger brother Tiny Mack as they passed each other on the stairs. Tiny Mack fell down the stairs, causing some chaos but no serious injuries. A plaque on the wall commemorated the event. It read B. Mack pushed T. Mack here. Finally Jack and the others reached the top and emerged out onto the flat roof of the Tower. There was a brisk wind blowing and several young people were already spitting. Jack thought it was all very exciting. I wish Aunt Henry was here, he thought.

Jack, Ianto, Owen, Charley and Gwen at last reached the parapet. They all leaned over as far as they could. Jack could see the tarpaulin half way down the Tower. It had been made especially by the Boghaven Rubber Company and had Bog Rubber written all over it. He leaned over a bit more, gathered his spittle in the required manner, and spat hard. To his joy he saw his spittle flying down toward the tarpaulin. Ianto, Owen and Charley spat as hard as they could but Jack was convinced his spit was the best. His family were well known for their spitting ability.

Gwen waited until her companions had spat and then prepared herself for the greatest spit ever seen in history. She leaned farther and farther over the parapet, readying herself for the momentous occasion. Finally she spat hard and in her excitement she leaned over to see where her spit was going and promptly fell right over the parapet. Luckily her fall was broken by the tarpaulin. She plopped into it with a splash, screaming loudly.

The chaos that this caused become famous in Boghaven, as, amazingly, no-one had ever fallen into the spit before. They had always missed it and fallen straight down to the ground. The Boghaven Fire Service were called out and while everyone waited for them to arrive the spitting continued, except now everyone was aiming their spit at Gwen. Jack, Owen, Ianto and Charley descended the Tower and, along with at least two thousand other people, watched the Tower with interest. They couldn't actually see Gwen from the ground but everyone could hear her screams of rage.

The Boghaven Fire Service finally arrived and stood about doing nothing as a crowd of children petted their horses. After about a half hour of this they got out their ladders and found they were all too short to reach the Tarpaulin. For at least another hour the Fire Service, the Army and the Police stood around trying to decide what to do next. At length they came to a decision. Gwen would simply have to remain on the tarpaulin until the Great Spit was finished. Then, when the tarpaulin was removed by the simple method of pulling it forcefully through one of the Cathedral windows, they would pull Gwen inside too. It was typical of Boghaven that the idea of opening a nearby window and trying to get Gwen through it never occurred to anyone, at any point. Nor did they think of trying to use the huge ladder that the Festival organizers had used the previous evening to actually put up the tarpaulin in the first place, as this had been returned to its owner as soon as the tarpaulin was erected.

It was evening and quite dark before the spitting ended. Everyone gathered around a specially erected platform to discover who had won each spitting class. The winners climbed the platform and were given, to resounding cheers from the audience, their own large size box of Boghaven Toffee. Jack won his class and his companions nearly cheered themselves hoarse with happiness. It wasn't so much the Toffee that excited people as the fact that when you won, your name was inscribed on a special scroll which then was displayed in the center of Boghaven City for everyone to see. Visitors to Boghaven often found this rather puzzling. The present banner, for example, was headed simply: The following were awarded boxes of Boghaven Toffee. Then there was a list of names. It didn't say anything about spitting.

While all this was happening, Gwen remained stranded on the tarpaulin half way up the Tower. Eventually, exhausted, hungry and covered in spit she fell asleep and only woke up when she was dragged bodily, and with difficulty, through a narrow window by three Policeman. Her mother had been sent for and was waiting with open arms. 

"Why were you spitting?" she shouted at Gwen, after giving her a hug.

"I can thpit ath well ath anyone" moaned Gwen.

"Well don't do it again" her mother told her.

Jack and his friends had, of course, to return to School as soon as Jack had received his Toffee, so they didn't see Gwen's rescue. Owen was particularly irritated about that. "I wanted to see them pulling her in" he complained loudly, as the boys walked back to School.

"I've seen enough of her for one day" said Jack "and we have to get back to School in time."

"I've seen enough of her too" said Charley.

"I felt sorry for her" Ianto told them.

"It was her own fault though" Owen pointed out "she shouldn't have been there spitting at all, she's too young."

"I still feel sorry for her" said Ianto stubbornly "all sorts of awful things keep happening to her."

"And they're all her own fault" Owen argued "she should leave Jack alone and chase someone else."

"Maybe" said Jack slowly "we could get her interested in some other boy. Rhys Williams would be good."

"Who's Rhys Williams?" asked Charley.

"His father owns the Boghaven excellent Cheese Factory " said Jack "she told me they're friends. He doesn't go to School because he's going to own the factory when his father dies. He's being taught how to run a factory at home. We just have to find a way of getting her to fall in love with him, don't we?"

"How do we do that?" asked Ianto, as they turned into the School gates.

"No idea" said Jack.

Once they were in bed and the lights were put out Jack crept into Ianto's narrow bed and they put their arms about each other. "We'll get married when we're older" said Jack, the eternal optimist.

"My family'll expect me to marry a woman" said Ianto.

"Women are alright "said Jack slowly "but I'd rather marry you."

"My Uncle Hamish married a man" Ianto mused "it wasn't in Boghaven though. It was somewhere in the Colonies."

"That's it then" said Jack "we'll go to the colonies, we can get married and best of all, Gwen wont be there."

"We have to think how we can get her interested in Rhys" Ianto muttered, closing his eyes "we'll start tomorrow."

"Yes, tomorrow" Jack agreed. 

Meanwhile Gwen, cleaned of the spittle of a large number of Boghaven residents, was in bed herself. Clutching Arabella to her chest, she fell asleep and dreamed she was marrying Jack. They were both dressed in pink and had wings and at the end of the ceremony they flew up into the sky. She fell into a deeper sleep and the last thing she remembered in the morning was that they ended up sitting on a cloud playing violins together. The horrific events of the day were forgotten. Tomorrow was another day with infinite possibilities. Perhaps Jack would even kiss her without her having to chase him first. Gwen was happy.

End of Chapter.

 

Appendix: Extracts from "The History of Spitting in Boghaven" by Arthur Cranberry. BA {Hons} Bog.

Queen Bruce 15th is credited with introducing the gentle art of spitting to Boghaven and soon Spitting Clubs were established all over the Country. Spitting was one sport that everyone could participate in on equal terms whether peasant or Queen. Before many years had passed competitions were held and the art soon spread to Thistledown, who, quite erroneously, suddenly claimed that they had invented spitting themselves.  
\---------

Spitting was adopted in the Boghaven Army in the year 1820 and new recruits are nowadays required to have basic spitting skills. Some recruits still claim to have skills in spitting that they do not possess. The greatest success that the Army ever had with spitting was in the War of the Red Kite, in which the Boghaven Army defeated the Thistledown Army by spitting down on them from the top of Boghaven Mountain. According to records, the Thistledown Army retreated in a state of disarray. Evidently they were upset about ruining their new bright green uniforms which had been adopted only the year before. Records reveal that they didn't care for the bombs the Boghaven Army dropped on them either.  
\--------


	14. Boghaven jumping day.     Part One.

After the excitement of Spring Festival things swiftly went back to normal in Boghaven, or rather, what passed for normal. The boys of Boghaven School returned to their boring routine of lessons, spitting practice and running over the Boghaven Hills. The weather improved however, and the sun was soon seen nearly every day. Rain was seen nearly every day too, but people tried hard to ignore that.  
  
During May things livened up a bit as June 10th was Boghaven jumping day. This had originated in the year 1831 when the Boghaven Army defeated the Thistledown Army by jumping on them. At least, that was the story all the children in Boghaven were told.  
  
The Boghaven Army were bogged down in Boghaven Hills by the Thistledown Army. They were on top of a Hill and the Thistledown Army were at the bottom. Spitting down on them proved useless so a Captain in the Boghaven Army, by the name of Roger Brightvest suggested they jump on them. "People" he is supposed to have said "hate to be jumped on." Which was probably true.  
  
The Boghaven Army waited until it was dark and then ran down the hill until they were just above the Thistledown Army who were asleep. Then they simply jumped on them. At least, that was the story. No-one really knew what had actually happened. Anyhow, the fact was, the Thistledown Army ran away back to Thistledown. Some Boghaveners said the Boghaven Army threw toffee at them as they ran but most people thought that was unlikely.  
  
To commemorate this momentous event the Queen decided they would henceforth have a special day devoted to jumping to be called, of course, Boghaven jumping day. Everyone over the age of 10 was allowed to enter some jumping competition or other, but the big event, the one everyone wanted to enter, was the Great Jumping Run, in which vast numbers of people of all ages over 10 jumped over the Boghaven Hills with their legs tied together. Like so many things in Boghaven no-one could remember why you had to have your legs tied together.  
  
Thus, in the month of May, practicing for these events began and all over Boghaven people of all classes could soon be seen jumping happily about, mostly with their legs tied together. Women were allowed to jump despite their long skirts and cheating was known to occur because some women said their legs were tied together when they weren't.  
  
Criminals in Boghaven jail who couldn't manage to eat the required number of dry crackers to obtain their freedom were allowed to gain it by entering the long Boghaven jump, in which you jumped into a pit of mud with your legs tied together and if you managed to escape you were freed. This event was enormously popular as watching the Criminals struggling in the deep pit of mud was very exciting.  
  
Naturally the boys of Boghaven School were expected to jump. Every boy had to enter some competition or other and soon every moment of their spare time was spent jumping. Owen and Charley entered the high jump for boys of 13 and under. This was a boring event compared to some as you just ran at a large box, made very helpfully by the Boghaven Magnificent Box factory, and tried to jump over it. Those who succeed had to jump over bigger and bigger boxes until only one person was left.  
  
Jack and Ianto entered the Great Jumping Run and were soon to be found, at every opportunity, jumping about the school with their legs tied together. Naturally, Gwen saw them and entered the same competition along with Tosh. Gwen's Mother made them both decorative ties with flowers all over them to tie their legs together. Jack wrote to his Uncle Bunny and asked him to send some nice soft rope for him and Ianto and they were soon sporting lovely thick rope in bright pink.  
  
Jumping with your legs tied together was actually quite difficult as, if you tripped over, you simply fell straight down. Numerous people all over Boghaven were injured jumping about with their legs tied together and some also suffered from rope burns when they were tied too tight. On the whole, however, it was considered to be a safe sport and and the Criminal classes loved it because everyone was out of doors all day, either at work or jumping.  
  
June 10th drew nearer and nearer and, at last, the great day arrived. Large numbers of Factory workers were given time off and the Boghaven City Stock Exchange actually closed for the day. Everyone drifted to Boghaven Stadium for the first events. Boghaven Stadium was just outside the city and had a huge sign over its entrance gateway reading Boghvn Stdium which always confused visitors. The company that made the letters had run out of the letters a and e but, being Boghaveners, put up the letters they had anyhow. Of course this meant that inside the Stadium there were signs reading Sting R and Stnding Only and Toilts, but no one in Boghaven was worried about this as a great many of them were illiterate.  
  
The boys of Boghaven School had the day off too and many of them went to the Stadium early where they had their own seating area helpfully labeled Rsrvd for Boghvn School. After the athletes had paraded around the grass in the center of the stadium waving flags, everyone sang "Boghaven Forever" accompanied by the Boghaven City Band, who, luckily, didn't have to march while they played.  
  
The first event was the high jump. Several competitions went on simultaneously because of the large number of people involved. There were a few injuries and two boxes fell to pieces but on the whole it was a great success. Owen and Charley were eliminated after jumping only two boxes but Kirkcaldy Fife actually won his group and was duly awarded a large box of Boghaven toffee and a certificate commemorating his success.  
  
After the thrill of the high jump came the excitement of the three legged jumping run, then the long jump and then the mass jump where all the competitors jumped together across the Stadium while the band played stirring Boghaven songs like "Boghaven bogs are draining" and "I found my love in a bog". The audience were encouraged to sing and the noise was so tremendous it was said it could be heard in Thistledown.  
  
After that everyone went outside the Stadium where a large pit had been dug and filled with mud. Three criminals were promptly thrown in the pit with their legs tied together and everyone cheered and shouted as they attempted to get out. Two of them made it and were awarded their freedom. The third was dragged out, covered in mud, and returned to jail.  
  
Ianto told Jack that his Uncle Franklin had designed the pit. Jack was appropriately impressed, although later he wondered how anyone could actually design a pit. After that excitement they all returned to the Stadium to sing "Boghaven Forever". Then they all left again. It was time for the event of the day, The Great Jumping Run.

 

 

Appendix: Two vintage posters from The Boghaven Central library collection.

 

 


	15. Boghaven jumping day.   Part Two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ianto and Jack participate in the Great Jumping Run and Gwen has another accident.

Everyone had to walk from Boghaven Stadium to the top of Collis Browne's Hill where The Great Jumping Run traditionally started. Collis Browne had invented a clamp that was used to castrate Horses and Cattle. It was known as Collis Browne's castrating clamp. In typical Boghaven fashion his reward for this was to have a Hill named after him. The Hill had previously been called a big hill, so it really was in need of a name.

At the top of the hill a large number of the Boghaven Police in their pretty pink uniforms were waiting, along with the Head of Boghaven City Council and several Councilors. The first thing everyone had to do on reaching the hill was have their legs tied together. They had to all use the same type of rope. This year it was Boghaven Superior red. You could practice with any rope, but on the day everyone had to use the same type.

A special group of people called leg men were employed to tie everyone's legs together. They were employed one day a year and came from all walks of life. The only qualification they needed was to be able to tie knots. 

The youngest entrants had their legs tied together first and were soon jumping down the side of the hill. Some of them inevitably fell over almost immediately but they all got up and continued. Stewards were placed at intervals along the route in case anyone was injured or had to be helped in some other way.

At last it was Jack and Ianto's turn and one of the leg men tied their legs together with the red rope. It was hairy and thick and felt unpleasant. Owen and Charley had come with them to watch the race and cheer them on their way. Gwen and Tosh, being younger, had already set off. Jack hadn't seen them in the crowd which was a great relief. Finally, the Head of the Council blew a whistle and all the 12 and 13 year olds, including Jack and Ianto, set off, jumping enthusiastically down the hill.

Collis Browne's Hill was quite steep and almost right away quite a lot of boys and girls fell over. Jack and Ianto tried not to jump too fast or too far in one jump which helped them to stay upright. After negotiating Collis Browne's Hill they had to then jump up and down the next hill which was called Tom. This always puzzled visitors, especially when Boghaveners said things like "we're going to have a picnic on Tom."

Tom was less steep than Collis Browne's Hill but by then jumpers were starting to get tired. This was the point when people began to drop out of the race. As Jack and Ianto puffed slowly up Tom they passed several children who had already given up and were sitting on the grass trying to untie their legs. These included Tosh.

"Gwen's gone on ahead" Tosh called to Jack and Ianto as they jumped passed her "she's really good at jumping."

Ianto stopped jumping. "Are you alright?" he asked.

"Yes" said Tosh "I just had to stop because I'm getting rope burns."

Ianto hurried after Jack. He soon reached him and they jumped on together, passing a Steward attending to a boy who had falling face down in a patch of nettles and was crying loudly and two girls who had somehow got their legs caught together.

After a brief rest on top of Tom, Ianto and Jack jumped downwards and were soon going up the next hill, which was Bill Hill. At this point some of the older jumpers began to catch up with them and overtake them, which was seriously irritating. They jumped down Bill Hill and there ahead of them was Cnix Hill, which marked the end of the race. As they stood panting and admiring it George Cissinghurst, the greatest jumper in Boghaven, jumped rapidly past them. As he sped by he waved to them.

"He waved to us" said Ianto breathlessly "isn't that fantastic?"

"My Aunt Henry knows him" said Jack "they were at Boghaven School together. He was good at jumping but Aunt Henry said he couldn't spit at all."

They started to jump up Cnix Hill. Cnix Hill, unlike the other hills they had traversed, was covered in trees. It was also covered in jumpers jumping and jumpers resting and jumpers trying to untie their legs because they had given up the race. 

Just by a large boulder Ianto and Jack came across Gwen, sitting on the ground, trying, without any success, to unite her legs. She got up as soon as she saw them and waved. Jack uttered an involuntarily groan.

"Jack" Gwen shouted, waving frantically "I wathn't giving up. I wath jutht having a little thit down. I'm a gweat jumper. I can pwabably beat both of you."

"We can't stop" Jack called to her "we're ahead of a lot of folk and we want to reach the end without falling over."

"We haven't fallen over once yet" said Ianto.

"I'll jump with you" said Gwen "I've only fallen ovew a few timeth and I can go vewy fatht. I'm good at neawly evewything. I can thpit for mileth too."

Ianto stopped jumping and Jack reluctantly stopped too. They waited for Gwen to jump over to them. She was obviously tired and even Jack felt a bit sorry for her as she puffed up to them, gasping for breath.

The three of them jumped on. Progress was slow because Gwen kept stopping. However, eventually they reached the top of the hill. There were less trees on the downward slope and they could see the finish line, already surrounded by large numbers of successful jumpers.

"Nearly there" Ianto said as they stood admiring the view.

"I told Mummy I'd do it" said Gwen "thhe thaid I'd give up."

"She'll be surprised then" said Ianto, giving a her an encouraging pat on the back. This was, as it turned out, a mistake, because her reaction to this gesture was to fall down and dramatically start to roll down the hill.

"She'll get there before we do" Jack cried out, as he and Ianto watched Gwen disappear into the trees. They could hear her screaming quite clearly.

"I expect a tree will stop her" said Ianto "she'll be quite safe until then. Rolling can be fun."

"Not when your legs are tied together" Jack pointed out.

"It's probably easier then" said Ianto "we'd better go after her though."

They began to jump down the hill. They could still hear Gwen screaming, which Jack said was a good sign. Other jumpers went passed them and they had to keep explaining what the noise was. After about ten minutes though it stopped.

"I expect she's been rescued' said Ianto optimistically. 

"Or hit a tree and knocked herself out" moaned Jack.

They jumped on and, at last, after passing several Stewards trying to pull a jumper out of a hole and two jumpers who had gone to sleep, they came in sight of the finish line without seeing any trace of Gwen.

"She's probably already there" said Ianto "she was rolling awfully fast."

They jumped down to the finish line which was made of even more Boghaven rope. They were promptly given a drink of Boghaven Excellent Beer, which had hardly any alcoholic content and a small certificate reading "I conquered the Great Jumping Run" plus the date. Then the leg men came and untied their legs. 

After a bit of a rest they looked around for Owen and Charley and found them in the tent that had been set up for refreshments. It had a banner on it reading "Food and Beer." Owen and Charley were sitting on the ground inside drinking beer.

"Have you seen Gwen?" Ianto asked "she had an accident and rolled down Cnix Hill."

"No, but we saw Tosh ages ago" said Owen "her Father took her home."

"I'll go and get us some beer" said Jack "she'll turn up, she always does."

Ianto sat down next to Charley. "I'm worried about her" he sighed "we could hear her screaming for ages and then it all went quiet."

"I wouldn't worry" said Owen "some people go missing every year. They send out search parties."

"I heard a man went missing one year and they never found him" said Charley cheerfully "he was on Tom and then he wasn't there any more."

"Gwen always turns up" said Owen "always."

"Suppose she falls down a hole" Ianto muttered "she's been down holes before."

"She's been found though" said Owen "hasn't she?"

"Look" said Charley "there's Rhys. I'll ask if he's seen her." He got up and went over to Rhys just as Jack returned with the beer.

"What's Charley doing?" asked Jack, handing Ianto a beer and sitting down next to him.

"He's going to ask Rhys if he's seen Gwen" Owen explained. 

Charley and Rhys came over to them. Rhys had been helping serve the beer and was wearing an apron. "Father wants to me learn the business from the bottom up" he told Owen, Jack, Ianto and Charley "that's why I'm helping here today."

"Never mind that" said Owen impatiently "have you seen Gwen? That's what we want to know."

"I haven't seen her" said Rhys "but I know where she is."

"Where?" asked Ianto.

"I heard she got caught in a poachers net on Cnix Hill" said Rhys "they'd set it up to catch wild horses and everyone knows they don't run through the forest. She rolled into it and ended up half way up a tree. She's supposed to be alright though. Just a bit cross. The Stewards have gone to rescue her."

Jack, Ianto, Owen and Charley started to laugh. Rhys sighed and glared at them. "It's not funny" he said "poor little Gwen. She might have been seriously injured and she's so lovely and talented too. I'm going to stay here and see her before she goes home."

"We're laughing with relief that she's alright" said Ianto, giving Jack a poke in the ribs "we're so relieved, that's all."

"Of course we don't want anything nasty to happen to her" Jack continued "not anything really bad." As he spoke he realized that that was true. Gwen was a bother but he didn't want her to get hurt. He just wanted her to leave him alone sometimes. Rhys's words were encouraging in that regard however. He wondered if this event would finally get Gwen and Rhys together. That would be so blissful.

The boys finished their beer and began the long walk back to School. Meanwhile, George Cissinghurst was given the Trophy for winning the Great jumping Run. How anyone could tell he had won was a Boghaven mystery, as none of the Great Jumping runners were timed in any way. The boys of Boghaven School trailed homeward and in Cnix Hill Forest a plump almost 11 year old was rescued from half way up a tree, screaming and swearing ferociously. The sun set was glorious. It was the end of a perfect day.


	16. The last day of Term.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the last day of term at Boghaven School which means it's Sports day. Jack and friends enjoy the races and the day ends with a massive stink.

The School year in Boghaven ended on July 15th with Sports Day. All the boys were expected to take part. The day began with a special breakfast of Boghaven pancakes which were tossed in beef fat and covered in cheese before being fried until crisp {and in some cases burnt to a crisp}. Then everyone gathered outside for a mass spit. The boys liked this part of the day. In fact, some of them carefully stored some Boghaven pancakes in their pockets to spit them out later.

Jack, Ianto, Charley and Owen stuffed some of their pancakes in their jacket pockets and spat them out during the mass spit. Watching pieces of pancake flying through the air was great fun, particularly if they hit another boy on the way.

After the mass spit everyone gathered for the traditional end of the year game of Bog tossing. For this everyone went to the School Bog and gathered handfuls of mud. Then they threw the mud at each other. Once you had mud on your ears you were eliminated. Eventually one boy was left and declared the winner. His prize was being tossed in a blanket fifty times. Sometimes the winner missed the blanket and fell into the bog but was always picked up again. No-one wanted to win and the proceedings were often held up for hours as boys claimed their ears were covered in mud when they weren't. If a boy was observed putting mud on his own ears he was made to continue the game.

After a boy called Missell Pike had won and been tossed fifty times the entire school went to the Sports field for the running and jumping events. It was typical of Boghaven that boys had to run their races in bare feet wearing top hats, games knickers and nothing else. Charley was in the second race and on a bend his hat fell off and he was promptly disqualified. The winner kept his hat on because he didn't run but just jogged quite slowly. Two boys were disqualified for holding their hats on with their hands and one was disqualified for tripping up another boy and stealing his hat and finishing the race wearing two hats, one of top of the other. He said he had done it for a bet but was disqualified anyhow. Winners of running races received a prize of a bottle of Boghaven beer, so they were quite eager to win.

After a picnic lunch of cold potatoes, tomatoes and Boghaven rolled lamb the jumping events began. Rolled lamb was a traditional Boghaven dish. It involved rolling the lamb, after it was dead of course, in crushed apples and then roasting it in a pan of hot butter over a layer of oak logs. It was surprisingly delicious, unlike many Boghaven dishes. Some peasants had once misunderstood the intricacies of the recipe and had been arrested for stealing three lambs and rolling them while still alive. Luckily the lambs survived the ordeal and spent the remainder of their lives in Boghaven Zoo underneath a sign which read : We survived being rolled. 

Jack, Ianto and Owen were all in jumping events. Owen was in the aptly named "jump the fire" event. The fire was luckily quite small as in previous years many boys had been burnt while jumping. Boys were told which event they had to participate in and many tried to avoid jumping the fire by claiming they were sick or had injured a leg or two. This was a waste of time unless a boy had no legs at all.

Owen jumped magnificently and was awarded a box of Boghaven toffee as his prize. All the winners of jumping races got a box of Boghaven toffee. In fact, there was so much Boghaven toffee around the School that the new Science Block was being partly built with it.

Ianto and Jack were in the same event. This was the naked hurdles. Before this event could take place all the females watching the games were made to leave the field. Then the boys stripped while the hurdles were being set out. The hurdles were quite high and some boys banged into them while attempting to jump. This could be extremely painful.

In their race Jack came second and Ianto came third. Jack was in the lead at one point but slowed down to avoid being given some toffee. At the end of every race boys were inclined to slow down, but if they stopped altogether they were given toffee anyhow so it was a matter of trying to go very slowly without actually coming to a standstill. The winner often argued that he had not won at all and this sometimes led to fights. 

On one famous occasion the fighting led to the Boghaven Army being called out plus the Boghaven Fire Brigade. Peasants from the surrounding district joined in and then the workers from the Boghaven Cheese Factory. The fighting spilled out into the streets and then the nearby villages. Eventually it spread to the City and finally as far as Thistledown. It was over a week before the Boghaven Army regained control. No-one was killed but the Boghaven Cheese factory lost all its cheese as people made cheese bombs out of it.

At the end of the day there was a massive bonfire, fireworks and singing. Jack and Ianto sat close together and when no-one was looking shared a quick kiss.

"We wont see each other for ages" lamented Jack "and I'll miss your birthday."

"I'll miss your birthday too" said Ianto "Father's taking me on a tour of famous Chocolate factories."

"My Aunt Henry said she's going to teach me unarmed combat" sighed Jack "she won a prize once for killing an escaped convict with her bare hands."

"What did he do?" asked Ianto.

"I think he just groaned a bit" said Jack "oh you mean his crime. Aunt Henry said he killed three sailors by throwing a home made bomb at them."

"How d'you make a bomb, anyway?" asked Ianto "I wouldn't know where to start."

"Perhaps they'll teach us that when the new Science block opens" said Jack.

At that moment a familiar voice behind them announced "I'm evew tho thad now becauthe I wont thee you for ageth, Jack." Ianto and Jack looked around and there was Gwen, wearing a pink dress covered in red spots and purple daisies. It didn't suit her, but then, it wouldn't have suited anyone human.

"Perhaps you could get friendly with Rhys Williams" Jack suggested "it would take your mind off missing me and he really likes you a lot. He thinks you're fantastic. He told me so."

"Oh" said Gwen, looking pleased "he liketh me doeth he?"

"Yes he does" said Ianto.

"I think he'th quite nithe too" said Gwen "you don't mind do you, Jack."

Jack attempted to look sad without much success. "I'll bear it" he said at last, arranging his face into what he hoped was a calm and neutral expression.

"I'll go and tell Tothh" said Gwen "thhe'll be tho exthited."

"I think that was a great success" said Ianto, patting Jack on the back.

"Yes" agreed Jack "now she'll chase Rhys and I'll be left alone." They both laughed.

The fireworks had been made by The Excellent Boghaven Firework Company which meant that some of them didn't behave quite as expected. A very popular firework was the Boghaven Stink Blast which, when you lit it, exploded in a shower of evil smelling red sparks. Sometimes this firework didn't actually explode for hours after it was lit which resulted in some remarkable fires. This time though the Stink Blast went off in time and the smell made several boys ill. They all applauded and cheered as the red sparks filled the sky and the whole area began to smell like sweaty feet. 

The evening ended with ten Boghaven Remarkable Rockets, which were lit by the Headmaster. As the new Science Block caught fire and the odor of burnt toffee (mixed with the smell of sweaty feet) filled the air, everyone retired to bed saying it had been a fantastic day. Later Jack and Ianto squashed in together after lights out and promised to remain faithful to each other until death. It had been a great year and there was more to come. A lot more.


End file.
